mausam   babi_b     lonelydolphin  

Melancholy
deep and dark
it’s dragging me under
I feel myself sinking
in the quicksand
I’m trapped
I’m all alone
I’m always alone
none to share my thoughts
my feelings
my joys
some people come
and light a candle
in this dark
but the candle burns out
sooner or later
and then they’re gone
and the dark returns
stronger than before
I wish someone would come
and dispel the dark forever
flood my mind
with never ending light
but until then
I keep my candle-holder ready
for a passing soul to pause
and show me the light again.

Shy

I feel light. I know I talk about abstract things. But that´s my way. My world. I feel that the heavy feelings that have made part of my existence are now dissipating, going away. I hope not to find them again on the next corner…

And now, a renewing ritual to celebrate my joy! I do it for myself. Someone has to. And I´m the only one who´s able to do so.

Yesterday I went to the movies. And I can´t explain why, but  I had started laughing. I  laughed for several minutes, eternal minutes. Such a silence, everyone stared at me ( recriminators?), as if laughing alone were an insult… In respect of the shame of the guy who was next to  me, I tried to hide the sound of my laughter with my hands… Useless…

No embarrassment was enough to lessen my happiness, my will to laugh. Laughing about everything, or just because I was finding that situation odd, therefore funny. Isn´t it nice when one is detached from silly shame thus releasing  what is most sincere, pure and instinctive out loud?

I thought my perception on my laughter a bit funny. And I laughed more because of that! Over no reason… ANd how nice all that weird thing was. It has made me renew inside, and suddenly things were more pleasant. Supreme!

I gave some change to a poet on the street. I game some instants of my life to someone who hadnt waited for that act. I didnt deny myself to anyone, and I didnt deny myself neither to love nor to pain. I have seen life in a different way at last.

picture caption: “ I need to cut down on caffeine”

I wrote a poem once
About how I didn’t fit
In my skin

Maybe I had put too much pressure on my skin
To confine me
Maybe all of us do

Maybe tomorrow
I’ll be someone else
All day
I’ll be the littlest bits of me
I’ll be all of it, none of it
Not worry about words for it
Words just divide us

Shy

Finally vacation has come. This semester has been so hard so far. Yet, I feel time has passed faster than before.

 Right now, I could be overwhelmed by conflicts between my own needs, the needs of my family, and my responsibilities towards my job. As a result, I am feeling tense and stressed out, and wondering if the situation will ever be resolved. I don’t panic. It will – and I’ll be none the worse for it. The keyword is balance, and the solution lies in finding it. Get to it! I’ll want to put this behind myself.

Nurturing has always been part of my nature, and is especially so these days. But sometimes I feel lavish more attention on others than I do on myself. And this benefits no one. I find that ´ll  have even more of myself to give when I take the time to fill my own emotional well. Some time off from good works will ultimately be to everyone’s benefit, mine especially.

Nonetheless, I´m  looking for new opportunities as well. The field I´m in now may not be one that I want to be in the next years. I have been deeply considering working in another field, and who knows another city or country… I might be surprised at the opportunities out there.

During this two-week vacation, there will be some short trips. I´ve got some nice places to go, some good friends to visit in the country side. Hope to blog about it later. Much later….

Found this nice poem by Fernando Pessoa. It just makes sense right now. Wanted to share..

I Am Tired

I am tired, that is clear,
Because, at certain stage, people have to be tired.
Of what I am tired, I don’t know:
It would not serve me at all to know
Since the tiredness stays just the same.
The wound hurts as it hurts
And not in function of the cause that produced it.
Yes, I am tired,
And ever so slightly smiling
At the tiredness being only this -
In the body a wish for sleep,
In the soul a desire for not thinking
And, to crown all, a luminous transparency
Of the retrospective understanding …
And the one luxury of not now having hopes?
I am intelligent: that’s all.
I have seen much and understood much of what I
have seen.
And there is a certain pleasure even in tiredness
this brings us,
That in the end the head does still serve for
something.


(24.06.1935)