Change

I used to be a shadow
tiptoeing
aimlessly
but that was before I learned
to sketch the stars
with words, before
the night
taught me to dream.

~Shy~

Reflection on Fears of a Christian in Relapse

Several days ago, while I had my epicurean-ish hiatus from the Christian fold, I noticed that as Christ was replaced with secular views, fears began to take hold and started to gnaw me. The worst part was that I was fully conscious of the choices that led me to this state. From teaching and experience, I knew that without the spiritual protection sustained by the gospel truth, there’s no way to protect the self from mainstream culture or the demonic gospel of the media. The idols of success, youth, beauty and pleasure are all interelated and give cause for people to feel perpetually inadequate. The fears that these things can cause can be so severe and extreme that they can literally lead to obsessive compulsive thinking as well psychological paralysis. The fear of getting old, the fear of not finding the right mate before one gets too old, the fear of marrying too old and looking pathetic in the process, the fear of looking old but feeling otherwise, the fear of being old and not having accomplished what should be for that age, the fear of being bored, the fear of being boring and not caring about it, regrets, and then fearing the fact that one is encased in fear…those are the only ones I could think of off the top of my head but one could obsess about one of these issues all day long.

Daily reflection is a vital aspect for personal growth and development, so some say-and I’m saying it too. Everyday I think I am thankful for this and that and thank God for my peace. But if I’m not content, when something in my life goes awry then I’m bound by an incessant rush of thoughts sucking me into a vortex of self-conscious unrest. They torment me to the point of fatigue and strangely it carries on after I wake up, making sleep irrelevant to its main function as rest.

A Woman’s Lovesong

because I need to write in verses
to make you read my mind

slowly, with uttermost care.
I’ve embellished my tongue
with wine
so you could drink in there.
with you,
I’m drunk with metaphors,
I want you
that fragrance loses its smell.

I want you,
that colors are not enough.

The city is commemorating

The most cosmopolitan of cities this month marks its 449th year. And the anniversary celebrations could not be half-hearted. São Paulo, a city of great demonstrations, with culture engraved in its very foundations, so many comings and goings, celebrates its achievements with concerts, sports competitions, guided tours and lots of leisure.
One of the events is the “Caminhada Histórica de São Paulo” that happens on January 25th , at 10 a.m. in front of Catedral Metropolitana (Sé). It’ll take one hour and half and it will pass at historical places like Pátio do Colégio, Mosteiro de São Bento, Vale do Anhangabaú, República Square, Teatro Municipal and Viaduto do Chá . It’ll be given pamphlets of these places.

The State’s Capital was born on a flat-topped hill, surrounded by the rivers Tamanduateí and Anhangabaú, on January 25th, 1554. It was at this beautiful spot that priests from the “Company of Jesus” founded the Jesuit’s College – today known as ‘Pátio do Colégio’ (College Courtyard). Climbing the sea mountain range, known as “Serra do Mar”, the missionaries, Anchieta and Manoel da Nóbrega among them, found Piratininga to be a place safe from attacks by Indians.
Following on from the college, the construction of the first mud huts began and gave birth to the settlement called São Paulo de Piratininga.
Since its origins, São Paulo has always been an obligatory gateway of passage to the world. Here was the meeting point for the Southern troops going to the mines or to the court; for large landowners from the countryside; for students and political leaderships. The city was predestined to be the stage for great events, like the proclamation of Brazil’s Independence, the Modernist Movement of 1922 and the Revolution of 1932.
Its economic expansion actually started in 1880 with the coffee culture and the construction of the railroads linking the city to the port of Santos. From then on, it has never stopped growing. The city opened its gates to millions of migrants and immigrants, which not only contributed to its development, but also assured its cosmopolitan personality.

Sao Paulo is the biggest city in South America with 17 million people, a city of immigrants and of colourful ethnic neighbourhoods. The city is considered the cultural capital of Brazil with world-wide orchestra’s, opera and dance companies performing in sometimes open-air venues. As a bonus, if the city’s hectic lifestyle becomes too much, then there are excellent beaches only 40 miles away. Everything is available in this immense cultural melting pot which makes even New York look like a small town.

There are many disadvantages of living in a place like this. Pollution, stress and violence take away anyone´s peace and healf. But is is sure a place to be compared to a huge school of living learning. Those one who master it… have got much to share.

Record it….
I wish some sort of device could be invented to record my thoughts. Before I fall asleep at night, something is running through my head. Whatever it is, I can write a book about it but I forget them by the time I wake up. I was thinking of putting a notebook on my nightstand to jot down thoughts but my fingers have never been able to keep up with my mind. How about a recorder? That should work right? I can whisper so not to wake up anyone. So my search now begins for a recorder.

My mother says that I’m going to have a stroke. She says that every time I get upset. I wasn’t upset when I walked in my house but something triggered it. When I’m upset, I like to keep quiet or talk to the object of my madness until I get my point across. If I stay quiet, I think think think and think some more. That’s what I’m doing now so I decided to just write. I’m infuriated with self centered, selfish, arrogant and irritating, malicious and lazy people. People who think of no one but themselves and befriend the ones they want to use. “Let’s see how many buttons we can push until she flips” I sometimes feel that there is no reason to be pleasant; that just gives someone reason to take full advantage of you. I’m getting tired of bending over backwards for people who don’t appreciate it. I wish I could be a witch (w/ a “b”) for a day. Just one day to tell some people exactly how I feel or felt about them and their actions. Then I will be free from thinking; that would be a lot better then keeping it inside and giving myself headaches. It would be nice to stop making excuses for people too. No more, “think of the good that he/she’s done” while they continue to F-up! “No, I will not forgive you. Too little, too late.” I’ll feel bad for whoever has to be around me if the witch in me ever comes.

I miss being young and waking up being excited to go to school and learning. That was the only place I was happy and would refuse to stay home for any reason. Yeah, the kids were crueler than adults but I didn’t have to interact with them much so it didn’t bother me. When you’re a kid, you could get away with being quiet and naïve (I was more harmless than naive). Once you’re grown up, that naivety had better be gone because you will not have your parents to stick up for you anymore. I’ve learned that just because someone is over a certain age certainly doesn’t indicate maturity. Fools (that was not the word that I originally wanted to use) come in all sizes, races, creeds, religions, and age. The more years I have under my belt, the harsher and more conscious I get. My trust in others is diminishing and I’m building some sort of wall for me not to set myself up for disappointment.

The venting is over now. More pleasant posts will follow

Thoughts brought to mind after ill period

There is a lot of stuff I know that I could make a point about at any time. I’m a reasonable person and thought better of my comment at the time. I believe credit is due there instead of flipping out. I chose no to say anything, I’m not someone who likes to hurt people AT ALL, so I chose not to say it. All I ask is that you give me enough credit not to flip out over something like that again. It was so minor and was blown way out of proportion. It’s honestly the kind of thing that makes me think about ‘why are we still talking?’
Ignoring me is not a good idea, reasonable people become very annoyed when ignored. I reacted just that way and said “whatever.” These are just things to keep in mind for yourself, and eventually, for you to become totally reasonable yourself. The truth is, we all make mistakes, some more than others, but the way we handle ourselves afterwards is actually more important than the mistake itself.
Situations need to be handled very carefully at all times. This may take more effort and thought for some, that’s just the way it is. But there is a difference between right and wrong, good and bad, etc. It’s up to the individual to figure out which is.

…orange like a wall
like a dream
like fear in the god
who lived in a trance i had
when i was young and six
behind the rest
along this string of conveniences and inconveniences
lapse of conscience
bleeding undeserved forgiveness
i wake up in the night convinced
of what isn’t
seduced into ideas
into blue…

…Shy…

And Now, For Your Reading Displeasure, Some Poetry

Seven Hours

Infatuation is just 7 hours away.
Ahead or behind, it doesn’t matter.
He works, I should be sleeping.
He chills, I should be studying.
Is it possible to love someone
to whom I have never spoken?
Is it possible to love someone
who has never seen my face?
How do I dream of a man
whose hands I have never felt?
How can I miss him
when I’ve never met him?
Worse
Is it possible for him
to love me?
miss me?
need me?
dream of me?
How would I even know?
How would he?
The clock ticks towards midnight.
To sleep, perchance to dream? No.
To stay awake, perchance to read his words.
Imperfect as they are, in structure and letter
the intent is all quite clear.
The feeling
Is it love?
or infatuation?
Even worse
could it just be lust?

There are two people who might read this blog who will ‘get it’. You both know who you are.
To the one here, please forgive me the drama and weakness.
To the one there, well, hopefully you’ll understand.

Thoughts on weblogs: It is difficult to think of a more egotistical thing to do than to write a weblog. The idea that people would want to read the random musings that come out of my keyboard seems to have very little foundation, and I also have some concerns that if anyone does start reading this in spite of that, I may manage to write the worng thing and get myself into trouble.

 Perhaps I can justify it in terms of a way of collecting my thoughts and putting them in a convenient place. I don’t know, I’ll have to see how it goes.

But perhaps the illusion that somebody is reading my thoughts will have the effect of somehow forcing my thoughts into some kind of order. When writing to myself they sometimes become too self-pitying or otherwise pathetic.

Areas of thought today have included gender politics, violence, mental illness, loyalty and responsibility. Heavy shit actually, not sure I feel like elaborating on any of them just now, except to note that all is often not as it seems. Assumptions are too easily made (by me at least) regarding what other people might be thinking. As for the comments, I get most of them in my mail box.( thanks to those nice people who write me..  ). I still enjoy this place here. I intrigue some people(those who care ). I have even made Michel wonder what I dream of.  Well… Dream knows me… Real life is much painless than the one I have here in Xanga. Soul´s almost healed. Body as well. Mind? Mind attached to those words below.

My life is for me, it is my own
it does not rest on what others say or may think
I am responsible for my own happiness
it no longer rests in your hands
I have made a life for myself
My world no longer revolves around you
My accomplishments made without you far exceed
What could only be dreams while with you
I am no longer restrained by my heartache and pain
I set myself free from the hurt
You will live your life of settling and second best
I will strive for it all and continue to better my life everyday
I will never be second best in any aspect of my life
I will reach my dreams by being honest, by being dependable, by loving,
by allowing others to love me, by being compassionate, and by having a good heart
I will reach my dreams by being what you are not; what you will never be
I have grown and developed into a more open person
Most importantly i have realized the life that i want, the life i will, have
the life i deserve
A life that is not in your power to provide
So live your life the way you may
And when you are wishing you had it better
Remember me, and know that i do have it better
And i am no longer within your reach

Most people are thoroughly emotionally transparent. I think this is why I find reserved people so attractive. It seems more dignified to be mysteriously private about your affairs than to wear your heart on your sleeve. The subtly then of gesture gives the atmosphere of interaction with these mysterious people a very different feeling. Detached and formal yet ultimately symbolic and delicate. Esoteric, even.

Different people do this in different ways. Sometimes I recall S. stretching backward so his shirt would pull up and how his head would lean forward when he did this so he would be looking up. It would put his hair in front of his eyes and his expression was just vague enough to be untouchably threatening in its sexiness.

In contrast, B. would become suddenly uncomfortable in romanticly or sexually loaded situations. His gaze would also shift downward but mostly to frown as if quietly frustrated with his own temerity and awkwardness — though he was never awkward. He’d fidget and shift his eyes around as if momentarily distracted. Demure, I suppose.

Shy

Between You and God

People are often unreasonable, illogical and
self-centered; forgive them anyway…

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish,
ulterior motives; be kind anyway…

If you are successful, you will win some false
friends and some true enemies; succeed anyway…

If you are honest and frank, people may
cheat you; be honest anyway…

What you spend years building, someone
may try to destroy overnight; build anyway…

If you find serenity and happiness, others
may be jealous; be happy anyway…

The good you do today, people will
often forget tomorrow; do good anyway…

Give the world the best you have, though
it never seems enough; give the world the
best you have anyway…

You see, in the final analysis, it is between
you and God; it was never between you and
them anyway.