January 8, 2003
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I’m coming out of these past few weeks a bit shaken…a mental breakdown of sorts is rapping it’s self up. Praise Shiva! (JOKING) I’m ashamed to admit that I lost myself there for a bit, and I am presently struggling to reclaim my sanity. It hasn’t been easy… for many apparent (and some not) reasons. I have been totally consumed by the immense amount of pressure (I do it to myself) I have on my life (future….whatever) The what-am-I-going-to-do-for-the-rest-of-my-life- question has reared it’s ugly head back into my life again, and has left me doubting my present choices.
I’m still very much so in the defining stage(s) of my life, and would for once like to feel like I have the freedom to make the choices. I want to be in the pilot seat… and I have every right to be… it is after all, my plane.
I feel like my creativity is going to waste because I sit at a desk all day, and can’t just put my job on hold to let my inner workings (whether it be writing, thinking cooking, painting etc.) manifest. I think my new goal in life should be to reach a place where I can honor my body (feelings, thoughts, DESIRES, etc.) If it were the 1970’s I would be in my VW bus on my way to the beach for a camp out right about now. I’m in awe at how the world has complicated itself since then. It’s no longer so simple. Your life now has to revolve around your profession, and not you, and not the way you feel. I don’t get vacation time for another nine months… I don’t know if I can wait that long.
It has been a struggle to get out of bed in the mornings. I want to stay curled up in a ball forever. I forgot what it was like to sleep during the day… I miss that. I think if given the opportunity I wouldn’t be able to relax. I have far too much to do. That’s what I hate about life right now. It always has to be GO-GO-GO! Well I want to STOP-STOP-STOP! I want to be able to take time to notice the beauty of everyday life (I know there is some) I want to have time to plant a garden. I want to be able to stop and walk through my neighborhood on my way to work. I want to be able to take a week off and go west (for some reason my body is telling me to head in that direction and I want to honor that.)
For now the best I can do is to stay up late and load up on self-help exercises. (I got some amazing books for Christmas, and I can’t wait to dive in to them. Maybe I’ll post some of them here in the future…kill two birds with one stone. While finding myself, others could find me as well.
Back to work, Shy…
***written some time back… things have changed.. and they do every day…. God Bless
Comments (8)
Shy, honey, you can do whatever you want. We had a saying in the 70′s like this “LIFE IS WHAT YOU MAKE IT”. Think about it. Your life is as complicated as you make it to be. So, start making your life conform to the life style that you want to live. You will be much happier with yourself.
There is a woman here at Xanga who lives in Alaska, she works for herself and enjoys every minute of it. She writes at her site about the things that she does to earn money. She goes under the name SuSu. Check her out.
i really know how you feel. i am going through such a rough spot myself right now..all we can do is hope that it’ll be over soon…good luck to you
I’m sure you will break the shackles soon and fly free as a bird…best wishes…sweetest…
Something is missing to you Shy .
i understand what you write . I knew that in the past during my carrer : go on , go on , go on .
I whish sincerely you found what you dream to . And at this moment i can only tell you to have courage and hope . but also let down a little work and go out your home to meet other people . Dance !
Love
Michel
Something is missing to you Shy .
i understand what you write . I knew that in the past during my carrer : go on , go on , go on .
I whish sincerely you found what you dream to . And at this moment i can only tell you to have courage and hope . but also let down a little work and go out your home to meet other people . Dance !
Love
Michel
…your post certainly carried salient points for all of us. Delighted to read you have incorporated some changes that have opened the joy and mystery of each day. Love and energy,
MuSe
I wonder what the west is for you.
Why do you want to plant a garden? just go out and look at the trees.They are there to be looked. Parks ,forest , fields. No need to plant you own garden, just enjoy the existing gardens.
Ciao
Dear Shy, you plight is shared by countless people in the world today. Why should we keep going, going and working at a job we don’t really care about? Okay, maybe you care about your job to some degree but the point is that you don’t find enough time to release your creative energy, right? I was in your situation when I had a full time job. I have had a full time job ever since I graduated, and I had felt trapped all along. But now that I’m jobless I actually enjoy it very much because I can do creative things that I love. I don’t think I will ever want to go back to full time job again if I could. Do you have an option to work half time or 75%…?
Also, one suggestion is to practice meditation. I practice TM and it gives me so much inner calm and expands my mind. I begin each day with an inner stillness and a refreshed mind. Even when I was having an extremely stressful job, I had that calm thanks to meditation.