Muzak and All of Its Magic    

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Okay. So I don’t mean “muzak,” which is defined as that lovely blend of jazz and pop that is played in the elevators of the only the classiest of establishments…I just mean music. But writing and saying “muzak” makes me smile so that’s the only explanation I have.

I’ve been thinking about the past year. Whoa! What a year. It’s been, and I know this is a well-worn cliche – a rollercoaster ride. But for each high and low, I seemed to have a song to go along with it. I don’t know why I am thinking about such a random thing…and I don’t even know why I am going to take the time to write the rest of this pointless entry….but if I could name one song to sum up the past year… I would probably go with the following…Now the words in this song don’t, in any way, encompass all of the emotions I felt this year, but it does for one brief, but very important time, in the year and so … without further ado, Abra Moore’s “Trip on Love” ..



I let my guard down
In a momentary lapse of emotion
And it just slipped out
That we both knew my heart could be broke

I said something I never intended to say
You stopped laughing
And asked me, “do you feel alone in that way”

Do you trip on love
Do you run from magic
When you kiss someone
Do you make it tragic
If you feel too much
Do you start to panic
When your word comes out
Do you trip on love

I just stood there
Had expected another reaction
Out of thin air
In the strangest sense of satisfaction
Can you tell me
How you see me somewhere
And if you held me
Would you let me see a part of yourself

Do you trip on love
Do you run from magic
When you kiss someone
Do you make it tragic
When you feel too much
Do you start to panic
When your word comes out
Do you trip on love

When we go
Do we say
This means less than we know it does
Please tell me

Do you trip on love?

Something…. silly….(?)

The cartoon closet
Today, I’m house cleaning. Not the superficial, make-the-place-presentable-in-the-places-that-show kind of cleaning. I’m talking deep-closet cleaning. I’m sure everyone has one of those catch-all closets – at least, I’d like to believe I’m not the only one who does this. It’s the place where lost treasures, empty bottles/cans, and things that you’re sure will come in handy some day go. Mine has been pretty disorganized for a while (and the “Understatement of the Year Award” goes to…), but I didn’t fully realise how dire the closet situation was until last week when my mother was visiting. I went to pull out the foam mattress we throw on the hide-a-bed to make it more comforable and a shower of cans and curses came with it. I turned around to my mother’s laughter and the comment “That sounds like a closet from a cartoon!”

After this morning, the cartoon closet is no more… At least for the time-being. I have organized all the empties, collapsed all the empty boxes, thrown out some junk, and restacked everything in a more orderly fashion. I really don’t think I’ll miss the clatter of cans as I try to sift through the clutter of that closet.

I’m coming out of these past few weeks a bit shaken…a mental breakdown of sorts is rapping it’s self up. Praise Shiva! (JOKING) I’m ashamed to admit that I lost myself there for a bit, and I am presently struggling to reclaim my sanity. It hasn’t been easy… for many apparent (and some not) reasons. I have been totally consumed by the immense amount of pressure (I do it to myself) I have on my life (future….whatever) The what-am-I-going-to-do-for-the-rest-of-my-life- question has reared it’s ugly head back into my life again, and has left me doubting my present choices.
I’m still very much so in the defining stage(s) of my life, and would for once like to feel like I have the freedom to make the choices. I want to be in the pilot seat… and I have every right to be… it is after all, my plane.
I feel like my creativity is going to waste because I sit at a desk all day, and can’t just put my job on hold to let my inner workings (whether it be writing, thinking cooking, painting etc.) manifest. I think my new goal in life should be to reach a place where I can honor my body (feelings, thoughts, DESIRES, etc.) If it were the 1970’s I would be in my VW bus on my way to the beach for a camp out right about now. I’m in awe at how the world has complicated itself since then. It’s no longer so simple. Your life now has to revolve around your profession, and not you, and not the way you feel. I don’t get vacation time for another nine months… I don’t know if I can wait that long.
It has been a struggle to get out of bed in the mornings. I want to stay curled up in a ball forever. I forgot what it was like to sleep during the day… I miss that. I think if given the opportunity I wouldn’t be able to relax. I have far too much to do. That’s what I hate about life right now. It always has to be GO-GO-GO! Well I want to STOP-STOP-STOP! I want to be able to take time to notice the beauty of everyday life (I know there is some) I want to have time to plant a garden. I want to be able to stop and walk through my neighborhood on my way to work. I want to be able to take a week off and go west (for some reason my body is telling me to head in that direction and I want to honor that.)
For now the best I can do is to stay up late and load up on self-help exercises. (I got some amazing books for Christmas, and I can’t wait to dive in to them. Maybe I’ll post some of them here in the future…kill two birds with one stone. While finding myself, others could find me as well.
Back to work, Shy…

***written some time back… things have changed.. and they do every day…. God Bless

A friend sent this link to me… Now I just feel like a conductor…. Click on the pictures, then click back if you want them to stop… Oh.. well… Have fun!

discovery of the whole
and when i found him
he transformed me
took my flat plane
and molded,
sculpted,
until i had two dimensions,
three.

he worked to build me -
at times carefully,
at time unconsciously,
and when there were spaces
found in this once-tired shape,
he filled them,
taking of himself.

no longer flat,
no longer colored grey;
i am full!
rounded by the hand of him.
tinted with shades,
once unknown to me,
a perfect sphere.

and when i found him
he transformed me.
~
 
thank you God… Love, Shy

~ Research published in the Journal of Personal and Social Psychology suggests that people who make more than one resolution at a time have difficulty adhering to them.

With that said I no longer have to wonder why I can never follow through with New Year’s resolutions, (or any resolutions for that matter.) I always bite off a bit more than I can chew. It never fails that when come time to make resolutions, I always have a page-long list of things that need to be “resolved.” A few days ago I started a list of resolutions (that will never be finished…so it seems) Mid-list I came across a quiz in my Natural Health Magazine titled Making Your New Years Resolution Stick. Needless to say, I failed terribly. I never follow through with anything. I have never met any one that gives up as much, and as often as I do, the cause of which being that I am trying to solve (or accomplish) 3000 problems (things) at once. Maybe my resolution this year should be to solve my problems one at a time. As opposed to starting to find a way to solve 3000 problems, then give up mid-problem(s) due to frustrations caused by the inability to resolve the problems because all that can be thought about are the amount (and severity) of the problems.(as a whole) Whoa! I think I even lost myself on that one. So tonight and tomorrow I have to complete the task (and that task only) of determining what my New years resolution for 2003 should be. I have already decided that I will deter from the common resolutions of the physical, and lean more toward the resolutions of the spiritual (inner self and religious.) My current list reads similar to this; (needless to say some of these have been eliminated due to lack of spiritual depth.)
1. don’t waste so much time
2. stop eating dairy
3. budget (stop overspending)
4. don’t watch so much TV
5. refrain from spontaneous buying
6. read more
7. get up earlier to spend time with God and myself before my crazy days start (yoga, journal writing, meditations, affirmations)
8. volunteer for good causes
9. get organized
10. try new (scary) things
11. learn to say no
12. STOP PROCRASTINATING
13. listen for god’s voice
14. listen to your conscience (as opposed to ignoring it… like usual)
…and many more.
There are so many things I want to accomplish in the coming year, and I am more than elated to have another year to work on myself, and fit another piece on the puzzle of my life. I welcome 2003 with open arms and I only hope I allow myself to grow as much as I did in the concluding months of 2002.

*****I wrote this while in the woods. Literally. My ten-day trip to my friend´s farm was amazing! So great, I had forgotten what it is like to wake up with the sound of nature. To look out the window and see mostly green. And yes.. I had already learned what it is like to be in a place where people really place God in first place in their lives. Those are hard to find. Although I was far… I felt home. I may know now i do not have a home, and maybe I will never have a place to call mine. But it is nice to kow I can be anywhere and yet do not feel lost and alone. I´m blessed. And healing, and happy. Great way to start, isn´t that?