Another (and probably last) snap from the river. I was wondering why I like rivers so much. I dont even know how to swim, and I usually get damn scared when near water… But then, I remembered the images and memories I have when younger. I used to got to my grandparents farm and have some fun with my cousings by a river while mom did her shores. Those good memories are rare. I kept the feeling. Somehow it renews when I see a river… ok, let this one be here…

RANT ABOUT PEOPLE

I have decided that from now on I will try to put a heading on every entry. My reasons for this are twofold. The first is so that my readers (ha) will know what they are getting into, and the second is to achieve my personal goal of learning how to organize my thoughts as they occur. This blog will continue to be rather spontaneous ramblings and thoughts rather than well-planned writings. That organizational note aside, let the rant continue. Or, rather, begin. I severely dislike people who dislike people. That is, people who do not find a value in other people, in and of themselves. People who are so deeply immersed and involved in themselves, people without a high capacity for empathy, people who do not enjoy observing another mind think. Now, I do not ask that one put others before oneself. I do not ask that one love all people or equally, or even that one love many people. I find those traits almost as abhorrent as the one who finds no real value in people at all. But I simply loathe people who are so unaware and uninterested in the expreiences and thoughts of others. I have asked myself numerous times why I care so deeply about people and why I feel so strongly that I need them. At times in my life I have felt that the reason for that trait of mine is that I need them for self-esteem–well, not even so much self-esteem, but for affirmation that my views and ideas are valid. I thought I needed them to legitimize my own existence. And while that is true, I have since concluded that that is fare less important to me than it once was, and even then it wasn’t the primary reason. The primary reason is simply that I find value in other people and in ideas and in solving problems and in being witty and simply enjoying my life. That last, in my case, is more or less equivalent to saying enjoying my mind. The value I get from other people is the same kind of value that I get from solving a difficult logical problem, be it in math or philosophy or something non-academic, and the same kind of value I get from reading a story and deeply identifying with it. It is about sharing some essential part of life with them and deriving much knowledge and happiness from their ideas and perspective. I find it invaluable.

However, I also love myself. I love to be alone; in fact, recently I have felt almost like I am suffocating at times because I don’t have enough time to be alone, work alone, write alone, sit in coffeeshops alone, go running alone. But the two are not incompatible. Liking to be alone is crucial and important, but needing to spend time alone and think alone sometimes means that one has self-esteem and confidence. Never finding a significant value in others means that one is irreversibly self-involved, sociopathic, and solipsistic. Seriously. That quality is quaint and interesting in novels, like Lolita for example, but in real life it scares the crap out of me and I loathe, loathe, loathe it.

And, oh yeah, if you are one of those aforementioned people, but yet you are still cool in some respects, stay away from me. What will probably happen is that I will think you’re cool for a little while and really get to like you as an end in yourself, as an important aspect of my life, as an extension of my own values and thoughts, perhaps even my very being. And, what will happen is not so much that I will get resentful because my deep appreciation and respect are not requited, but that I will stop evaluating you as cool. Because, you see, you simply are not. You are self-centered and dull, no matter how smart you may be. That is the gravest sin of all. Did you hear me? DULLNESS, NON-INTERESTINGNESS, LACK OF QUIRKINESS, AND PASSIVITY OF THOUGHT ARE THE GRAVEST SINS. And you shall bear my wrath…

Sometimes I think that these years are when we are works of art, and we must work on ourselves. We gently or roughly shape ourselves, into the image we desire. As we change, we learn, we grow older, and we grow wiser. And when you look back, you realize how people changed and how you have changed. Will you look back upon these times as the happier times, or will you look upon them and notice how foolish you were? Perhaps both. We can change our present and future, we all have that control. Well, things are looking up. Not really, but it’s all in one’s perception. Anyone can make anywhere seem somewhat positive.

Gah! I always get down over the smallest things, over anything that doesn’t seem right when dealing in human relations. I’m defecient in those areas, and worrying over them doesn’t make it better. ::sigh:: I think it’s just one of my mood swings again. I feel great for a couple weeks, and then I feel down. I think you females know what I mean.

“Be happy with what you have while working for what you want” – I forgot who/what/when it was said, but that struck me as intelligent.

ps:. sign my guestmap right there below my banner…

More pictures….

I took this one when my friend and I were returning home. The day was too cloudy, but we managed to shoot some nice views…

this is the same river that runs next to her mom´s ranch, and the same I went on a ride the day before. The trees on the bottom are banana trees. Registro and Juquiá are known as  the “banana land” in São Paulo state.

the snaps are not that clear because of the dull weather and quality of the film I bought, but hope you can at least have an idea of the place. I was on the boat here…

these are Junior and Capitu…. they joined us when we went hiking… them and Fofinha( not in the picture) must have joined us for at about… 5 kilometers…

more woods……

hehehe… the entrance of the school i work at…dark, hun???

i´ll hang out with this group tonight… hehehe… Fondue…

3 of my students… Tiago, Thiago and Gabriel… Ok, on the board it is written “Sheila is so cute”… I can just read “She”… hhmm… Have I ever mentioned my real name here????

Falling again…
Allowing oneself to think too much about the problems of the present is never is good thing. The more you think about the difficulties that you are facing, the more depressing it all seems. That’s what happened to me during phylosophy lecture today. In that span of fifty minutes, a dozen thoughts collided in my mind. Unplesant thoughts were being acted out before me even though there was only my semi-sucky professor standing in front of me. It wasn’t that bad, it wasn’t more than I could take, but it wasn’t nice at all.

Anyway, now I’m sitting in front of the computer and not allowing myself to think too much of such unpleasant things, which when taken in a larger perspective aren’t such a big deal. Some of the problems haven’t gone away yet, but I’m deciding to change my attitude towards them. I just see no point in being overly frustrated about anything. It just isn’t good for one’s heart.  There will be ups and there will be downs. I might be at a peak or a trough now, on the ascent or descending into worse things, but looking at the larger picture, life is still fine. I can still try to turn things around. I’m still trying.

Back to Sao Paulo, I just have to say now that I´ve had one of the best weekends ever. Too bad it was raining, but at least I could rest as much as I needed.My friend´s company was great. Her mom and step father are amazing people. The place is just heavenly… Hope I´m, enough renewed…

Holiday…..

We´ll have a long holiday this week. Almost 5 days off… Easter and Good Friday joined with another national holiday, feel great! Everyone seems to try to flee from the big cities, São Paulo will be pleasantly desert! My room mate is traveling to Rio, to her boyfriend´s house. My writing teacher( ok, she is a friend ) has invited me to travel with her to her mom´s ranch in the south of Sao Paulo state. A 3-hour-car trip, and we´re closer to nature. Woods… We´ll leave Saturday morning.

So far things have been ok, I guess. Nothing out of the ordinary. Some of my students didnt do well on the mid exams and once again i hear that boring voice in the back of my head blaming myself for their failure.  At least they were kind enough to bring me chocolate… Ok, I still hear the damn voice!

I saw a couple of apartments this week. They seem to mainly have two bedrooms. That will be good, I´ll have enough room for my computer and books.. also some room in case I receive some guests( you are invited ). I can barely believe how excited I feel. Living in a different neighborhood, all by myself and yet closer to the people I get along everyday… HHmm.. Seems so nice!  That feeling has made me think of this period of the year. I must confess that my new views on religion have been guiding my thoughts. It is a renewing time. Even if Christ had not risen, I have always had the idea of death as change, not the end something. Maybe it is time now to throw old thoughts and concepts away in order to move ahead. I have said this before. That was a different move.. different time, different things to do.  

I´m afraid. The uncertainty of things and this ‘being alone’ is scary. But my accomplishments are so better felt like that… Going through difficult situations and learning makes me stronger. The faith I have in God makes me feel special. And thankful for the consciousness He had allowed me to have. There is still grief in the heart, but maybe because of it, the simplest special moment is admired as great blessings.

Enough of thoughts now… Let me welcome two good friends that have joined Xanga. You can, please send them a hi in order to encourage them Leonidas is a nice friend. We have got lots in common. We usually exchange poems and comments on music( specially Yanni). Morgana is a sweet girl I used to teach some time back, and now she is becoming a teacher. And a blogger, I hope What else important today… Vineet´s birthday…. HHmm…

You all, take care and have a great holiday. May the feeling of Easter turn things into a better way somehow. See you all in a few days

The hip, the fads, the crushes, like grains of sand through my limp fingers. There’s a clock on the wall, the hands drive like mad, blurring time before my eyes. I lie there on my bed, starring up at the fake stars and blues lights. Suddenly I feel aged and tired. I talk of nonsense in a high acid voice. She (my mind) laughs, calls me crazy. I smile, that’s what they all think. Time flys by too quickly for me, even the moments I wish would end seem to rush by beyond my expectations. I feel so silly, so weightless, and yet so pathetic, waddling in my precarious boat of life, heedless and reckless.

I’ve grown dependent on music. The last time I proudly proclaimed my immunity to music while doing homework, now I’m addict to it. I do homework with headphones on. I walk with headphones on. I sleep listening to ghostly whisperings of voices, lingering in my dreams. Everyone loves music, but still I hold a desparate desire that I and only I tasted the flavors of music with an unsatiable tongue. It’s that eight-year-old little girl sitting in front of her stereo listening to Mozart. Lights down, eyes closed, ready to dance. I was an adorable child, really, I was.

I’m twenty-six now. Where did the eighteen  years go?

Well there’s always that weird saying that goes like “it’s to Die For”… but I always found that kind of ironic because if it’s something to die for then you couldn’t get it because you’d have already died… I thought a better saying would be something that goes like “it’s to Live For” because many people don’t see a clear and definite point in living because it’s only taken up by lives of school, work, food, and sleep. Now if there was something really worth getting, I would assume that you would wait however long it takes or take whatever comes your way to get IT. That’s where my saying of “to live for” comes from which I think makes much more sense than something “to die for”. Hindus (at least, I think it is them…) believe that by living, one was suffering but striving for something greater. In the same sense, you wouldn’t want to die for something really great, but rather I’d think that you would keep on living for it; just like in the movie Titanic, “Rose, promise me you will live. Promise me you will live to grow to become an old lady…” something like that. In some cases, it may be different such a martyrdom or things of such, but that is not the usual case for the time being… I don’t think you see very many people out on the streets being persecuted for something. Well, just thought I should share that with you.
Now relating to that saying… what is there to LIVE for with so much school work and stuff? I mean, in the end we all die don’t we? In a sadistic way, yes. But I tell you, dear reader, that there is at least one if not more, thing to live for and that is… change….

Please, dont mind me. My life has been changing a bit. For good, I guess. My room mate is getting married next year, and she is moving to Rio. I have decided to move as well. I live in a very good part of the city, but an expensive one too. I have decided I´ll move closer to the school I work for. I have realised just my mom keeps me in the neighborhood I live in. Even though I´m only able to see her on weekends….It´ll be good to have lunch there on Sundays after going to church… 

The idea of moving and living 100% by myself excites me. I´ll be the owner of my remote control and my mouse … Not that sharing them bothers me, but that will be a  brand new experience!  So far, most of the things I do, is somewhere near my work. My gym, violin class, writing and Literature course, church, dance class, and friends  Living there will be also a money and time saver. I spend much money and time in my daily rides… And I´m quite fed up with the subway… Anyway, i´m happy.  And excited about the changes and the movement around. I´m a wee much more inspired now. And the reason for that, is mostly because I have even found where to stay. I´ll see the apartment on Tuesday morning… hhmmm…home….

Food For Thought: When you think about today, what sticks to your mind most? What significance did it have on you today? What will it have tomorrow?
If you had to write one thing on your hand that was going to last you the rest of your lifetime, like a tattoo, what would it be? Why? What importance does it have?

Much is done, I’m free of many obligations, but by being free I feel trapped of my own freedom. Everything that once used to be rushed and nervous now seems so calm and relaxed. What was previously lacking has now been fulfilled. Shouldn’t I be feeling much better than this? This crappy, dull, state of nothing? Today should’ve been an amazing day but instead I’ve felt as if I could not do anything… Eh, it’s hard to explain… I no longer consider my work something hard to put up with. I relax while I teach. I learn as well. Simplicity is all I have yearned, and my mind is simpler now. I feel light and free…  By being free from so many worries, I found other concerns I did not have to think about before. I used to be right on track with a crammed, set schedule but now I’m not and yet I’ve got nowhere to go and nothing to do for just plain fun! I still have my Literature chapters to study for and the more at hand would be my homework due tomorrow but those are minor issues at the moment for moi. I guess all I can do is wait until the next holiday or something when my friends have free time when I do. I don’t know… who knows… The only sure thing I learned from Quantum Physics is that no one can be sure of anything (darn Heisenberg… he screwed it all up for all of us) so how could I be sure? Okay, well I also don’t know if any of that made sense to anyone else other than me, hmm…

They say great things are ahead of us,
They tell us we should live our lives,
“The future will depend upon us”
The world is so so full of lies.

They say that time is of the essence,
Teach us time is short and quick,
We know our time is truly precious,
But then they drain the hours, tick tick.

Hypocrites! I say, it don’t make sense,
[it's a] High price to pay, spent behind a fence.

Food For Thought: How do you define time? Is it something definite or more abstract? What is it about time that attracts such a wide audience?
What did you do today? Is there something you could have done today but didn’t? When it comes to be tomorrow, how would you refer to today in the broadest way, e.g. “bad”, “sucked”, “good”, “wonderful”, “a waste”?
Finally, something more on the brighter and surreal side of life. What comes to your mind when you hear the word, “chance”? How would you define chance? How does it relate to the word “luck”? When one says “Fat Chance”, it seems that it means absolutely the same as the phrase “Slim Chance”. Both being a negative phrase of chance, how would you describe a positive chance? Surely it couldn’t be something like “Normal-sized Chance”? Think of some other phrases that might mean something the same or similar. Bye Bye!