Pictures from the present

A friend of mine just sent me these by e-mail. There are 2 pictures were taken from her hurband´s office window…

He works on Paulista Avenue, the most important financial center in South America. NOt only one is able to find the most important banks and companies, but also good movie theaters, parks, theaters, restaurants, malls, tv and radio stations, etc…

This is next to my house, and needless to say I do love to walk along this place and its surroundings

The first picture shows what he sees through his window. I personally like this one, maily because I love to see the world from above The second one shows what you see just by looking down… Hope you like it And hope you all have a great week

Not really doing much today, just taking a break and relaxing I guess. I think I had homework due tomorrow, but I haven’t done any yet lol. Maybe I’ll get to it sometime later today but right now I don’t feel like it  Okay, so here’s my actual blog…
I recall watching the first half of the movie Amadeus in Phylosophy class when I was at College, and the composer mentioned of how God has put this longing, this feeling inside of him, this lust as he called it, but not the talent to do what Mozart could. It kind of stuck to me I guess. But now I relate to it in a somewhat different way. Um… just saying it straightforward, I’m sure of it to come out wrong, so… (I also hope no one misunderstands me by this)

I’ve got this feelin that I’ve had for a while now,
but I’ve also got a problem that I’ve had for a while now.
This feelin that I’ve got, this feelin that I’ve fought,
something I could not ignore or just let it rot.

It kept growing and growing inside of me,
I have had this longing for God knows how long,
but I’ve had no one to share it with,
while this feeling kept growing ever so strong.

What should I do, I can no longer ignore it,
What could I do, there’s nowhere to store it.
I can’t lock it, break it, hide it which I’ve done for too long,
I can’t fight it, destroy it, it’s gone down to my bones.

If only I wasn’t so afraid,
I’d take my chances, not let myself fade,
All I need is some sign.
But I must be waiting for something,
If I could somehow know that one thing,
I’d ask you to be mine.

- I’m not really going to title it. I must’ve sounded so strange and weird, so sorry if I did…But there´s someone who will understand each word of it. If not, at least I know he´ll come here today and read it. And know I thought about him.

Have a good day, you all

Food For Though: Okay, I’m going to end this entry with a nice quote from a movie I saw yesterday (and today), Runaway Bride (duh!). I hope you reflect on it somewhat because I think it’s a pretty cool quote. “Look, I guarantee there’ll be tough times and I guarantee that at some point one or both of us will want to get out of this thing. But I also guarantee that if I don’t ask you to be mine, I’ll regret it for the rest of my life cuz I know in my heart you’re the only one for me.”

Bom dia, meu anjo!

What do you think of this one?

Long time no draw….

Shy

Sitting in the woods… feeling the heat of the sun…

fate. does it exist? i like to believe that it does. call me naive or just a dreamer.. but i truly believe that for every person, there is someone meant for them. Serendipity was a sweet movie. Old, but sweet. it makes you question alot of things in your life.. alot of what ifs. Movies like Sliding Doors and Family Man just make you think, what if i had taken a chance i had given up or done something that i decided not to. Things might be so different from what they are today… maybe everything does happen for a reason… and everything is destined to be.. but i guess i’m just one of those moronic hopeless romantics… sigh

im exhausted.. i just want to take a holiday away from reality.

have agreat week, all!

come over

Every once in a while I forget why I get up in the morning. I know there must be countless of significant things I do every day, but sometimes I forget what those are.

After spending what seemed like never ending days in bed – reading, watching, turning, sleeping, listening, walking over to the computer and thinking, I have nothing to say – I wonder if today is any different. I got up. But there has to be more to it than that. Right?

What do I do everyday? Well, yesterday I finally finished some American Lit assignments I had been working on for 3 days on my “spare” time. That’s great. So now I’ll have more time! To do what?

I don’t make my bed…I like clean, but I don’t see the importance on making something which will be almost immediately unmade. Besides, in my opinion, messy isn’t always dirty.

I wash my dishes…whenever those happen to make it out of the cabinet.

I dust my tv off…because I hardly ever watch it, and when I do glance towards it I can see dust bunnies havin’ a ball. I don’t like bunnies.

I listen to music…mostly in the gym or when I go to work. Walking home to silence still makes me cry, and I like it.

I talk to friends…about this and that.

I work… Wednesday I had my class watched by a supervisor from Rio. Not only he is a nice person and peofessional, but also he´s American. It sounds scary to be evaluated by a native speaker, but it is rewarding as well. When he gave me the feedback, he told me if he were to have a language teacher, he´d want someone like me…( ). He complimented me on my methodology procedures, on my explanations ans on my command of English. Ok, ok.. I´m proud…..

I write…about my day, just like today. Nonsense and mediocrity. i know it is not like that, but that is how it feels…

At the end of it all I didn’t learn a thing. It shouldn’t take a lifetime to not make a bed. And what am I so busy with that I can’t eat a meal at home? Conversations with friends shouldn’t be so easily forgotten, but I don’t remember the last time I was shaken by someone else’s words.

That’s what I need to do. I need to pay attention. It is probably not the hours escaping my mind. It is people.

Come eat with me. Let’s watch tv while we are at it. Hope you don’t mind my messy bed but I don’t have a tv in my living room. Or if you’d like, we can listen to music. There are over 300 CDs in my closet. Pick something out. If you want to talk, we can do that too. Or we can sing. I promise not to forget you were here. If you come, maybe tomorrow I’ll have something to say.

come away with me…. Saudade, meu anjo… 

On Ego

The ego is a parasite. It does everything necessary in order to ensure its own survival within us, even if it means denaturing the spirit. It constantly reminds us of our past failures, our bleak futures, who we were and who we are to remain. This way, the ego will always be in control. It will always dominate our feelings, our decisions, our thoughts. But why listen to the ego? It does nothing but bind you to shackles. If you are enslaved by your own ego, you will always find yourself lost in thought, and lost in your own identity. Forget about who you were, and who you will be. You are who you are now. Live for the moment and cherish it. Remember that,Shy, live for the moment.

**while xanga does not allow me post my own snaps, let me borrow some from webshots….

*picture taken from this web site

This is my favorite Lotus picture. And I just like it because of its beauty, and color…nothing more. Just as humans like.. what is beautiful. And what is said to be perfect. Im posting something beautiful and that I like just to keep some  hope  for brighter days or better state of mind. Or just… because I have nothing more to say. Nothing.

There is nothing worse than feeling sad for no reason.

With sadness, one should be able to put a finger on it and say, “this is why I’m sad.”

With depression, it comes for no reason and descends on you like a damp, heavy cloak. Your brain is telling everything in your body to resonate sadness, which tires it and taxes the spirit. Little things, like walking to the sink to put a dish in it take enormous effort. Washing that dish is out of the question. Putting on make-up, styling my hair becomes secondary in importance. Thankfully I was blessed with good skin and hair, despite its “in-between” stage. But frankly, this depression thing is really starting to piss me off. It’s so, “not me.”
Sometimes I wonder, that perhaps in my youth, if I shot my wad and left nothing for my adulthood. I’m frustrated at not being able to find my rhythm, and when I think that I do, my body does a quick change on me and I’m left lethargic and depressed again. I have a face off with my depression every time that I’m asked to do something or even things that I signed up for, like my writing class. It is a constant, interference with my day to day life, and today as I went to a potluck supper and left fifteen minutes after I arrived, I was infuriated. It took a ton of effort to smile, to lift my hand to shake someone else’s who my mom was introducing me to. To raise my eyelids fully. I couldn’t be a part of the boisterousness in the room and told my mom, “I’m leaving.”  My bosses gave me a deadline to get onthe ball, or I´ll lose my job. I just remember Sid after a long time… I remember once he said he was just like Budha… just having to lose everything in order to.. in order to what????

As I walked home, I wanted to punch the brick walls in the alley. But that would have taken energy.

I am on medication for this, which worked wonders for awhile. It is also not lost on me that this has hit now that I’m back to work for the second day in a row, nor that I’m coming out of my first real winter in a very long time. I think that I’m going to have to visit a psychiatrist again and discuss my symptoms. This is no way to live. I want that little girl back who challenged the lifeguards at the racquet club to “come and get me.” I’m not giving up on her just yet, as I know she’s in there daring me to “come and get her.” And I will, once I muster up that elusive energy to dive into the deep pool of depression and yank her out by her ankles.

However, on a good day I can still walk the length of a hallway on my hands. I wont blog for a while. My views are too creepy, too dark to do so. I´m not that beautiful person everyone says I am. And maybe…. just maybe the Lotus is drowing in its own mud…

Carpe Diem…

Late thoughts…

There comes a moment in life when you reach that precipice and look down into the unknown void. Do you dare take the leap of faith? Risk failure to reach greatness? Reach up in hopes of touching an angel?
With that one step there is no turning back and you fall endlessly. You lose control so quickly. Twisting and turning trying to hold on to what little you can. Struggling to know up from down, left from right, front from back, inside from out and ever continuing to fall.

Falling.

Falling on your face in defeat.

Falling.

Falling in pure physical lust.

Falling.

Falling to your knees in sadness.

Falling.

Falling ever passionately in love.

Falling.