May 12, 2003
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There is nothing worse than feeling sad for no reason.
With sadness, one should be able to put a finger on it and say, “this is why I’m sad.”
With depression, it comes for no reason and descends on you like a damp, heavy cloak. Your brain is telling everything in your body to resonate sadness, which tires it and taxes the spirit. Little things, like walking to the sink to put a dish in it take enormous effort. Washing that dish is out of the question. Putting on make-up, styling my hair becomes secondary in importance. Thankfully I was blessed with good skin and hair, despite its “in-between” stage. But frankly, this depression thing is really starting to piss me off. It’s so, “not me.”
Sometimes I wonder, that perhaps in my youth, if I shot my wad and left nothing for my adulthood. I’m frustrated at not being able to find my rhythm, and when I think that I do, my body does a quick change on me and I’m left lethargic and depressed again. I have a face off with my depression every time that I’m asked to do something or even things that I signed up for, like my writing class. It is a constant, interference with my day to day life, and today as I went to a potluck supper and left fifteen minutes after I arrived, I was infuriated. It took a ton of effort to smile, to lift my hand to shake someone else’s who my mom was introducing me to. To raise my eyelids fully. I couldn’t be a part of the boisterousness in the room and told my mom, “I’m leaving.” My bosses gave me a deadline to get onthe ball, or I´ll lose my job. I just remember Sid after a long time… I remember once he said he was just like Budha… just having to lose everything in order to.. in order to what????
As I walked home, I wanted to punch the brick walls in the alley. But that would have taken energy.
I am on medication for this, which worked wonders for awhile. It is also not lost on me that this has hit now that I’m back to work for the second day in a row, nor that I’m coming out of my first real winter in a very long time. I think that I’m going to have to visit a psychiatrist again and discuss my symptoms. This is no way to live. I want that little girl back who challenged the lifeguards at the racquet club to “come and get me.” I’m not giving up on her just yet, as I know she’s in there daring me to “come and get her.” And I will, once I muster up that elusive energy to dive into the deep pool of depression and yank her out by her ankles.
However, on a good day I can still walk the length of a hallway on my hands. I wont blog for a while. My views are too creepy, too dark to do so. I´m not that beautiful person everyone says I am. And maybe…. just maybe the Lotus is drowing in its own mud…
Comments (14)
thanks
i hope that you’ll get out of your depression soon !
i like the new design on your site…but now that i’ve said that, i want to comment on your blog…
of course you are the beautiful person that we(i) think you are…you may not be a perfect person…and sometimes people forget that…but you are definitely a beautiful person….beauty has a tragic side as well…and perhaps you are just in a tragic phase….perhaps you are in a hibernation….one that feels like you are unable to wake up from…..but you will…pehraps it will take help….but your beauty is still there…
(((((((((hugs))))))))) you are in my thoughts….even if you take a break from blogging….email me if you want to talk!
doh!!!!!
You Are that little girl again. Just throw away all the sh…..that makes the adult word.
Simon tell me to say that to you.Be Jane ,Lotus,Shy ….again.
Looking at above solutions, I can only say that the thought is nice, but it won’t work – the answer would be “blah blah, so what?”
The only one who can get you out of depression is yourself. That said, I know how difficult that is, since a part of the depression is the fact that you do not have the power to pick yourself off the floor.
And depression is silly and useless – at least in my case, there’s no clear reason for it being there, except for a lack of happiness.
Thank god for meds. Maybe you’ve gotten too accustomed to them, and need a higher dose. Maybe it’s just a phase which can last a few days, and you just have to sit it out…
Anyway, good luck.
good luck with your trials. mental illness runs in my family, so i’ve seen first hand the ups and downs it causes, although i would be wrong to say i understand what you are going through. i wish you the best and hope you can catch that little girl!
Gosh… como é dificil comentar no seu blog… não sei direito porquê!!!! Talvez seja o meu computador que seja lentinho!!!
Bem sobre depressão… é realmente a coisa mais horrivel que uma pessoa possa passar. E depois da primeira, fica muito fácil cair nesse perigo novamente. Mas olha, um conselho que eu sempre dei para as minhas amigas, te veste linda todos os dias, mesmo que a vontade não esteja lá. E tenta te distrair com coisas bonitas… apreciar arte música, etc mas tudo que seja do positivo. Há que nos tratar-mos. Se fôr preciso, contacte um psicologo. Ás vezes, eles ajudam.
Beijo!!!
Big hugs
Sending you positive enregy
.
Lots of it !
Take care of yourself. Have fun whenever possible.
Thanks for your comment on my blog
I have difficulties wtiting to you since you change your “skin” which is btw beautiful !
yeah… estudio en Mackenzie
Only the one who has been depressed a time can understand what you feel . I knew depressed people . All of them have healed . What it ‘ s important is you knew we LOVE you Shy . You are not alone . And personnally I know you are beautiful . Don’ t lose this job you love . It ‘ s important . Have confidence to yourself , you are strong , intelligent and beautiful with so many capacities .
Michel
I encourage you from the bottom of my heart .
Love
hey you…. sei bem o que vc sente. Acredite.
Pena que você não está em Ctba, senão iria indicar uma terapeuta que ucidou de mim durante um tempo crítico e ajudou muito.
Infelizmente agora no meu caso, voltarei a procurar ajuda especializada, mas não posso mais ir neste mesmo uma vez que ele não atende por convênio.
O que acontece também, é que caiu uma ficha. Minha depressão meio que “evoluiu”. Li sobre distimia, e acho que é isso que tenho. Although eu nunca estive under medication, como vc…
talvez esse seria um caminho…já q vc mencionou coisas que me identifico como “wanted to punch the brick walls in the alley”.
Converse com seu terapeuta sobre distimia, talvez seja um novo approach para um velho problema. O que talvez ajude.
Fique bem mesmo.
Qualquer coisa me escreva, ok?
Beijos
Patrick
It is hard but you can do it! Stay strong and know that there is light and beauty in the future . Stay and share your feelings it may help you. It is important to have supportive people around to just be there for you . I know how hard it is to hold on when you feel like the sand is filling in around you. But be strong! @-}-}–