Too fast this year is going by. Every time I steady myself, I find the perennial scape whistling pass me in colors that could match the streets of São Paulo in fast forward motion. It is a bit disconcerting to have time slipping away from my fingers with an hourglass effect. I see it drain, I can stop it, but I feel compelled to watch it empty. I guess this where I should repent the days I spent being listless and dreamy, but I don’t, I miss it, I won’t return to it, but I miss it.

I took a midnight stroll to clear my thoughts, seems like the only time when I am free in my own solitude. The dark streets hold no residence to the parents’ harping on colleges or the beckoning of SATs, or even the comforting shoulder of a friend. Being alone with my stars, a tragedy as it is, is often when I’m the happiest. It probably isn’t true, but whenever I’m alone in front of the single glowing screen, it feels like the most sensible and safest to say. Darkness lit in broken shards by streetlamps, but the chirping of bugs and winter creatures didn’t feed into my ears this time, and on my hill, the night breeze carried a brisk chill that sent my body into shivers. I like it when it’s cold though, it reminds me of the winter days years ago when I would lie in the wet grass beneath the stars. Winter stars are the most breathtaking. Trudging on my hill without a conscience, I scanned my surrounding with eyes of a stranger. The highrisers windows in distance, the sprinkles of light pouring from the rec center onto the puddles, the amber lights guiding units of cars, the pearl-like dew drops tugging my toes… everything, everything suddenly felt so new to me, and it was then I realized – I’ll miss it here. This place, this place is just like home. The thousands of times I’ve wandered on its ground without a care, the hundreds of memories locked within its ruins. I remember… meeting all the best friends I´ve had so far…Those days, this place, everything is in my mind, and even if I don’t realize it… I’ll miss this strange place, this strange land that I will refer back to as home perhaps, when I leave.

Humanity is funny like that. We are so predictable, and subscribe to adages despite an inner volition to defy. In the end, everyone’s a follower. Which is perfectly fine with me. I hate those leadership workshops because the world need less leader posers, and more proud followers… a follower of postulate laws and beauty, what’s wrong with that? Why rack the brain for deviance? There is no such… just… just be.

But I may be a hypocrite speaking, man is too simple and yet too complicated for such a thing. I don’t care though. I am not so magnanimous to care for humanity. I laud humanity and loathe humanity, but in the end I am on my own feet, on my hill, with my stars and memories… isn’t that enough? Isn’t that enough?

Spinning, spinning like a kid. A maelstrom of stars everywhere, the ones in the sky and the lights flashing all around me. Together we are one, like the eye of a hurricane in a pool of wine. It is too sweet here, and I still spin, mad on chocolate intoxication…and I still spin…and I still spin…

I love. I love much. I really do. So much so I am omniscient, so much so I am untouched, I could stay like that forever, I could…I could.

dream has gone to sorrow
emptiness of tomorrow
I have no place to go
desire for a heart of a home
oblivion is waiting

I feel my world collapsing
all fall on top of me
I feel everything’s wrong
it’s not supposed to be
I feel myself gone blinded
no longer I can see
I feel tomorrow disappearing
the way it’s going to be
right in front of me.

A dear friend has been concerned about me. He said nothing I’ve written lately is “happy.” I didn’t realize I was giving out those kind of vibes. I really am doing good. You know, we all have our ups and downs and last week wasn’t particularly good, but who doesn’t have problems? If you don’t, please give me your secret.

I just haven’t had much to share lately but I will give you some random things encircling my mind at the moment. Here we go:

I believe in destiny but I also believe I have the choice to follow it or not. That’s where I’m struggling career wise. I know what I can do but I don’t know what I’m meant to do. Maybe that’s my problem. I want to be significant. I want to be needed. I like the idea of there being a plan…just for me. Foolish and naive maybe – that’s the way I am.

You want something happy? I think I have a crush on someone. Crushes are the best. Makes me smile all the time for no reason. And then people wonder why I’m smilling and it makes me smile even more. I know, I’m such a girl. He is handsome, intelligent, funny, interesting…and is not interested in me in that way. That’s why they call them crushes right? *sigh* No matter, it’s still fun. Love the butterflies. * *

When’s the last time you had a crush?

ps.: Something interesting I watched this weekend

What a great day ! We´re in the middle of a long holiday, and it is also a sunny cool day. I finally managed to have a meeting with the reverend of my church, and I´m so glad for that. I basically wanted his idea on what I should do in order to learn more of God´s words so that Im more able to look like a mirror of my Lord in practical life. The more I learn, the more things get clear. Amazing how I feel as if I were born just some months ago. i´m living a new life now, with so many different values… but I’m still under old habbits and addictions. Sometimes it is hard to to let them go, but I have been doing a good work. Talk about work, i´m not so sure how things are. Most of my students tell me they want to have classes with me next semester and I still dont know how my following semester will be. I just know that I have been more commited to work. As well as with many other important things and I have been able to handle. Oh, well.. I lost my point now…  Also, I seem to have the innate listening abilities of a therapist or a counselor. Everyone comes to me with their problems, or just to cry on my shoulder. They know that I will listen to them without judgment. And most of them do expect some kind of feedback. Most of them are students, adolescents who somehow deposit their trust in people they share problem and conduct their acts depending on what they hear. I guess that demands some responsibility. And if I´m filled with some more knowledge, specially in what I believe is the only truth, I guess I´m half way to become a better person in many ways. I´ve been thinking about extreme changes in life lately.  Perhaps today will make me think about it.

I feel so happy…..

It occurred to me to that even the unattractive fellows may be out of an average gal’s range. Why? Because I’m thinking they want to compensate for their superficial lacks. I used to think that the incapicitating sensations one gets from seeing a more than attractive person was legit. I don’t think that’s right anymore. I’ll admit that there have been many times where I’ve felt that way about someone of the opposite sex. But I’ve also come to realize that when the attractive person becomes an intimidating god like object of desire, that doesn’t sound like the right path to a healthy relationship. Most girls say they don’t care about appearance but personality is far more important. I didn’t really understand this until became a Protestant and that’s actually only recently. I came to see that the love that we are to have for our other is not quick, erratic, emotional and lusty but slow, patient, persevering, controlled, and what’s more, eternal. True love has no expiration date whereas what I’ve believed that love and desire were the same and that the inherent nature came in the form of continual short waves.

Dia dos Namorados, Brazilian version of Valentine´s Day

The origin of the date  In Brazil, the ” Dia dos Namorados” is celebrated on 12 of June. But, that is only in Brazil. In other parts of the  occidental world person, mainly in the North Hemisphere , the day consecrated to the valentines is February 14, the “Day of St. Valentim” or “Valentine’s Day”.

As many other commemorative catholics dates , its origin is in Old Rome, the heathen parties of Lupercália, that happened in the middle of February.

The festival was dedicated the Lupercus (protective of the flocks and shepherds) and Juno (goddess of the love). In these festivals, the young women wrote their names in pieces of paper or cloth, placing them in a jar later.

The young boys removed a name and the drafted person would be the partner of dances and tricks during the festivals. The relation between the pairs is quite unknown. Some historians say that it was only established in the friendship and others, that the new couples spent the night together.

This change of the date in Brazil happens  here for two reasons: to heat sales in  June  and to use to advantage the proximity of day 13, Saint Anthony´s day(Saint Anthony) the patron saint of weddings)

The success was not immediate. Only after many years did this date  became synonymous of romanticism. Currently, the Day of the Namorados is the third better commemorative date for the commerce, losing only for the Christmas and  the Mothers day.

On June 12th is “Santo Antonio” day here in Brazil. João is a catholic saint, and most Brazilians believe he helps out the solitaries find love. It is sort of our “Valentine´s”day. Needless to say all one sees around are hearts, love talks, love whatever….I was walking near downtown when I saw that statue, and it was weird the way it kept me thinking. Somehow I thought of the misfortune of not finding someone to love… or being loved.. but then, I thought of the people I have met who thought of finding happiness just when finding a beloved one. That would sound like giving your happiness away. It is simply like being totally dependant on the “other”. And if the “other” is not near… or to be found… there´s no happiness… This is slavery… or stupidity….

Then, I kept myself thinking of having a lover. Not only one, but several ones… Well, think of what a lover brings, how it makes us feel… It may be a partner, it may be an unknown.. it may be the last thought in mind before sleeping or the fisrt one when one wakes up. I search for a lover when I wake up… The thankful prayer. The pouring rain that cools the weather. The shining Sun that heats my body, and makes my skin beautifully tanned. The thought of his voice that makes me smile. The pleasure of a shower, and the nice minutes I spend eating something healthy…

I search for a lover on the several options I have to go to work. And the chance I have of choosing what sights to see, and how fast I can get there. I search for a lover, in the smiles I dont need to fake. And in the ones I am able to cause in people.

A good lover can be found in music, in arts, in the Literature- even in the comics…. It can be found in the good food, in something that makes you laugh or even cry… Whatever… A lover is anything or anyone that is able to keep us leaving.. and away from depressing feelings and thoughts. And if you excuse me…. I have got some great lovers to be with now…

Have a lovely day!

ps: same entry here 

Tell me a story

Tell me a story, Poet,
Tell me one filled with the champagne cascades of laughter,
With the hue and cry of bloody war,
With the spilling salt of tragic tears,
Everything.

Tell me a story, please.
I’ll sit on your knee,
Please enchant me,
Fill my head with visions of strangeness
And nostalgia.
Spin the words like such intricate thread
That I can smell your delicate aromas
And feel the heaving breath
Of chase, pursuit, romance, and pain.

Please,
Your voice soothes me
With a dull roar of blazing hearths
In the snowy winters,
When I was wrapped in the scented furs
And held the steaming mug
In my stubby hands.

If only
These words could paint around me
A world other than this
That is thicker more than the paint used
To create it.
Your lovers’ roses would grace my tables,
The torn pennants of fallen armies
Would fill the fields beyond the windows,
And your tickle-tale laughter
Would shake my ribs so hard
That I could swear I would die.