: perhaps, perhaps
Countless as this day may seem, beneath all these shattered dreams I hold within. My heart had been touched, and held, and broke, and there is nothing I can do to stop this repeated cycle. With as much as I hide from it, or hold onto what is right. I feel myself only letting go. Just so I don’t have to have the heartache once again. When everything seems so right, I tend to make it wrong. But then again, what else is new. I have yet to find answers, and yet to ask the right questions. Though I hide in fear of what the answers may be. I tend to find myself more curios to seek what may hurt, then to seek what may be great.
Have you ever say back and remembered some of the strangest things. Such as your first kiss, or first love making experience. Or perhaps about the simple things as your first car, or the time you graduated. If you have graduated. No matter how I look at all of these things, I tend to find what went wrong, as to what went right. Though some of those memories tend to put a smile on my face, those sad thoughts still take over my soul.
In a time of need, I don’t find myself running to my family, it seems as if I am running further from them. When my life seems to be uplifted, I tend to shatter it. Dreams I have, more then one, more then two. I have plenty of them. I picture the last parts of them over and over again. Though the answers on how to reach there seem to never come into my vision. Asking my self, over and over again, if I am disorientated, and the answer always come to me as a yes. There is never a no with any of my questions that have to do with me. Why? I do not know.
A love I cannot have, tears me apart. To try and bring him closer, I will eventually just push him away. Even though things, seem wonderful, rather we are friends, lovers, or in some kind of relationship. He will most likely find himself hurt. So why does he even bother. Rather three inches in front of me, or 2000 miles away. I will just end up seeking something more, more to fulfill my undesired dreams, trying to search for a way to make them better. Trying to get closer, until hopefully one day, I too can find contentment with just one. One to hold my every waking need in his hands, and me to do the same. I try so very hard, to keep the ones I love close, though it’s much easier to push them away. Just so that they wont feel my hurtful lashes.
So this is what I think I am, but others tell me different. A New Year yes, so perhaps, I should change the way I think. Perhaps instead of making something that is positive, negative. I should try to hold on to the positive, and push the entire negative away. Instead of keeping my soul hidden, perhaps opening it to those that are close to me. But then again. I said perhaps, never said it would happen….
Have you ever closed your eyes and heard a whisper, to come to find it’s just a voice in your head? How about mix matched colors in a painting to find out its one of your own. The color of meaning, the color of life. So my questions those dare not have answers. So many things left to unfold the truth just yet.
Have you ever lie in a field of grass, wondering if the flowers would ever bloom?
I have reached out to the point where I thought my grasp would meet. I have pulled and turned the mirage that slips through my fingers. Yet, I still try to take what’s not fully mine.
I allow my lids to come down over eyes of amber and honey. Kissing them with a long extension. How could one be held, how can one be touched, and yet still feel as if it was nothing?
Is the air something that will have the best of me? Not let me love, not let me be loved in return. How could the man and women be so different yet still so the same? It’s like looking into a mirror. Seeing the perfect reflection of a man, to only spark the flame of beautiful women. With most I see it not happening, ever, letting there self, fall to “peaces”. As to picking them self back up off the ground.
I hold matter over times; I hold real over fake, I hold a sparkle of interest in my own heart.
Have you ever captured a falling star in-between your palms, to come to find out, its a fire fly? Have you moved a single strain of hair from your eyes, so that you can see everything in a different light?
Funny how most things work, as if no one is there to help you, as if no one really cares.
But have you ever, felt your heart drop, felt your heart bleed, and felt your heart patter anytime someone speaks his or her name. Have you ever, just allowed your self to love? A secret not a whisper to a soul. A forbidden love that just cannot be. Isn’t life funny??
Heaven… I´m in heaven….
). It is a life I am content with, however, yeah. Life has been good. My Spanish has greatly improved lately due to mass amount of Spanish music I´ve been listening to. The dictionary and Babel are my frequently used bookmarks. Bless them. My English is also getting better, having been forcing myself to read and speak it much more than my own language. My brand new friend Liliana ( and current American Lit teacher-at least until I hand in all my assingnments for teh test…
) has been helping me a lot. I sometimes get really amazed by how easy it is for me to learn languages. I should be less lazy and put my mind to something in that field. But not now… This is vacation time now… My writing sucks lately. I haven’t actually written in a long time. There are so many things to attend to and learn and do and experience. I just haven’t got time. Damn. 
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