June 29, 2005

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  Around the World

  
  

  
  

  I was sitting the bus one morning, listening to the Foo Fighters, and then all of sudden a line came out of nowhere from the cd…
  
  the hardest part is knowing everything must die
  
  And I felt as if I was at the end of the road already. Maybe I was the one who lived life on autopilot, convincing myself that I was different yet doing the same exact things everyday. I wondered, if without much thought, I could generalize the rest of my life into a routine state of existence…fading into oblivion outside my own little world. If I would become merely a number and cease to be a person, getting to a point where I would no longer even deny that I was no longer a complex person. I wondered if I was simply along for the ride until I reached my final destination.
  
  And then I woke up today and remembered who I was, and who I was looking for. And even if he leaves forever, because of me or because of something else…I felt like I was no longer just along for the ride. Even if I steered off the tracks, I made the move.
  
  And seeing him was like staring out the window in complete awe. This isn’t anyplace I’ve seen before…its new, it’s dangerous but I’d rather lose it all here than wander away in the safety of my home. I’d rather be a beggar here than a rich woman there.
  
  Did I just take the wheel for that brief moment there? And behind me there is nothing, because I must have run through it when I began steering. But when I look back at that, it seems more infinite and beautiful than the scenic route ahead…the place that others were ready to take me to. It seems more captivating than anything that had happened in the years before. The years where I sat there and looked out the window, and wondered if I ever could take control. I probably will end up with nothing, soaked in rain and lying on the ground letting the water cover any tears I may have. But to be there would be something I could only hope for…because in order to even end up like that I would need to do something out of the ordinary. I would have to break every meaningless rule I created for myself, and lose all sense of fear. To end up there I would have to break the chains that I put on myself.
  
  …and then I will fall asleep. And tomorrow there will be no wheel, no train, and no ride. But I will still be there and I may never feel the same way again. I have never felt the same way since only a few months ago. And I know why…and maybe everyone knows why. Maybe I will break down because of it…but hopefully something will happen out of all of this chaos. I don’t mind steering my life down a dead end, but I hope that I’m following him to somewhere better. Maybe it will all turn out ok, but if I lose myself because of it…I won’t think any lesser of myself anymore.
  
  I once wrote about how these words were all superficial bullcrap. But it all feels so real now.
  
  I could sleep forever.

  
  

  
  

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  P.S. Star Wars Lovers… Have Fun Clicking  HERE.

  
  

  
  

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  • 12:34 am
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