I keep forgetting where I am and how I got here, so I’ve decided to type out my diary. The last few weeks have been very low, which is seemingly counter-intuitive as I’ve been coping very well with lots of changes without a panic attack in sight. I hate writing that. Makes me feel like I am willing bad luck; like there’s some bad witch out there watching for the slightest hint of a smile on my face, just so she can point that spindly finger and vanish all my dreams away. That’s a crazy notion I know, but something I need to deal with. That’s the fear talking, saying Don’t shine the light on me, don’t. Because you know what will happen when you shine the light. The fear tells you that your recovery is impermanent, that if you blast that torch in its direction your tentative little life will fall apart. But what really happens is that shining the light, speaking your fear, extinguishes the darkness.
The fear is fearful of its demise. After all, it has been your companion for so long. It whispers, What a lonely life it will be once I’m gone. Maybe that’s why I feel sad: it’s the end of an era. That sounds so strange, doesn’t it? Like the Beatles breaking up or the death of Monet. Like suddenly you’re not going to see another vision of those water lilies again; whether they’re purple or that lovely orange-brown they descended into as Monet became blinded by cataracts. To feel upset for a time in your life that has been hellish doesn’t (on the surface) make sense. What people don’t realise is that when you peek through the bars of the dungeon of your own nightmares you see a key that is so luminous, your quest can become like that for the Holy Grail. If you have spent your life searching for a cure, what do you get when you finally clasp the cup in your hands? Once you’ve drunk from it what then?
October 18, 2006
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Hello mental health, it’s me speaking
~sigh~…Not to forget the “sow and tell part”, These pics were taken last saturday while I was going to the dance class with a friend of mine. Funny was that we were talking and I could also check out the way in order to focus on something. The intention again is to let you guys know a bit of where I pass by. Just to mension, from my home to dance school is about 10km. Nothing compared to the size of my city… Take care.
Comments (10)
big big hug (v) or
i alwsays forget
But truth is it would be lonely without you…
I have noticed your absence and you have been missed!
Those low times are sometimes the most important – they are sometimes the things that provide insight and revelation in our lives, and fuel to our dreams.
well, i have just spent a year being depressed and suicidal. the funny thing is i started to drink alcohol again. and then life got really bad. the depression seems likes easy street after what i have been putting myself through with alcolhol. do you understand what i mean? we can make life as bad as we would like. but why dont we do something else. you know?
asfotos estão muito boas…
Depressed state is awful . What to do ? Perhaps Sheila you have to go out more often like for the dance . There are certainly many places to go in order to meet many people . Relation is a necessity for the human being . Go on Sheila .
Love
Michel
and thanks for the prayers .
I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it is gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.”
(Dune by Frank Herbert pg 19)
I guess I’m a fearful person too….I often wonder what I’d do if the fear were gone….would I finally live up to the potential I know exists within me or?…..not……
Hello, I’m
Tomesara.
Such beautitul photos as ever, Lotus.
It makes me regret not going back to Sao Paulo over my Gap year. It was my intention go go visit where I used to live both in Brazil and in Costa Rica, but all these opportunities came up in Edinburgh. Fate was keeping me there… well I’ll go back when it’s time I guess.
Yes I’m back. Things have been so busy for me this past year, I’ve grown a lot.
~Archasbeenbanishingfearofhisown…
thanks for sharing such a personal entry. i completely understand and relate w/ what you wrote. i’ve been there too and gone thru hellish, dark, low, blue periods that lasted for such a long time that i began to think it’d never end and i’d never see the light at the end of the tunnel. and everytime i thought i was better it’d be temporary and i’d soon fall into another relapse and repeat the cyclical pattern. it’s scary to imagine a life beyond and free from such suffering b/c you’ve lived w/ it for so long that it’s become familiar, and you’re stuck in a comfort zone. although it’s painful, the unknown seems even more terrifying, right? well, i just wanted to offer a lil’ support and encouragement by letting you know that i not only empathize with you, but have overcome it! never give up or lose hope! it’s all in God’s perfect timing, and before you know it, He’ll set you free and deliver you… and you’ll be stronger than before and even thankful for having gone thru it. i’ll be praying for you~
I’m Family federation…… It’s Cardeal Arcoverde, 928.
Thank you for the comment….
Do you like ballroom?
I Love it!!!!