January 19, 2003

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  Record it….
  I wish some sort of device could be invented to record my thoughts. Before I fall asleep at night, something is running through my head. Whatever it is, I can write a book about it but I forget them by the time I wake up. I was thinking of putting a notebook on my nightstand to jot down thoughts but my fingers have never been able to keep up with my mind. How about a recorder? That should work right? I can whisper so not to wake up anyone. So my search now begins for a recorder.
  

  
  

  My mother says that I’m going to have a stroke. She says that every time I get upset. I wasn’t upset when I walked in my house but something triggered it. When I’m upset, I like to keep quiet or talk to the object of my madness until I get my point across. If I stay quiet, I think think think and think some more. That’s what I’m doing now so I decided to just write. I’m infuriated with self centered, selfish, arrogant and irritating, malicious and lazy people. People who think of no one but themselves and befriend the ones they want to use. “Let’s see how many buttons we can push until she flips” I sometimes feel that there is no reason to be pleasant; that just gives someone reason to take full advantage of you. I’m getting tired of bending over backwards for people who don’t appreciate it. I wish I could be a witch (w/ a “b”) for a day. Just one day to tell some people exactly how I feel or felt about them and their actions. Then I will be free from thinking; that would be a lot better then keeping it inside and giving myself headaches. It would be nice to stop making excuses for people too. No more, “think of the good that he/she’s done” while they continue to F-up! “No, I will not forgive you. Too little, too late.” I’ll feel bad for whoever has to be around me if the witch in me ever comes.
  
  I miss being young and waking up being excited to go to school and learning. That was the only place I was happy and would refuse to stay home for any reason. Yeah, the kids were crueler than adults but I didn’t have to interact with them much so it didn’t bother me. When you’re a kid, you could get away with being quiet and naïve (I was more harmless than naive). Once you’re grown up, that naivety had better be gone because you will not have your parents to stick up for you anymore. I’ve learned that just because someone is over a certain age certainly doesn’t indicate maturity. Fools (that was not the word that I originally wanted to use) come in all sizes, races, creeds, religions, and age. The more years I have under my belt, the harsher and more conscious I get. My trust in others is diminishing and I’m building some sort of wall for me not to set myself up for disappointment.
  
  The venting is over now. More pleasant posts will follow

  
  

  

  • 9:37 pm
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