Just praying for the best.

Why does a person experience shame? Why is there such a great need to conceal and hide? It’s such an irony that one can be so obsessed with how others might perceive them and yet most people don’t really give a flying fart about you, except maybe in passing. My impression is that most people are too busy about how the world or their peers or their colleagues will judge them. The man who is liberated from this kind of thinking is free to do whatever he wishes because he economizes all his time and energy to his aspirations. Incidentally, I wish I were that man.

We can take a look around and point out the flaws and failures of so and so but none of us really devotes our time in exalting ourselves for being better than him for this or that reason. Noting their flaw may give us comfort and reinforces, in a warped sort of way, a positive opinion of ourselves.

So far, I’ve been on the topics of the abstract or described random strains of my daily affairs. I wish I could go into further detail but really I can’t. Something in me prevents the actual data of my day from materializing into words. Does that mean I have issues with acknowledging how I am living my life. It could be. I envy those who can give such a free and sincere account, both successes and failures. It used to be where I could admit freely what I do each day without thinking twice. Now, I’ve constructed this ridiculous standard of how a person should be leading a meritorious lifestyle. I confess I find it difficult to detach myself from the mentality that supports the notion of worth and the nature and level of productivity.

If a man is stripped of his profession and is lacking in the area of higher learning, how would I perceive him? Theoretically, I would value him just the same. But sadly, that is not the case. I suppose my actions may not reflect the discriminative nature of my thoughts. I feel that if I were to extinguish the way that I perceived myself life would be happier and innocent, like lemonade and cotton candy. I have determined the profession of my choice but I can’t help being tempted into thinking that some professions are more godly than others. Scripture clearly says that every aspect of the body is needed despite how man might assess the value. I thought I had resolved this issue already. God loves you and trhe only thing He asks is that you live a life of dedication to Him. It’s really perplexing how the mind knows this but something in the self, the will perhaps, refuses to comply.

Help, I need somebody
Help, not just anybody
Help, you know I need someone, help
When I was younger so much younger than today
I never needed anybody’s help in many ways
And now these days are gone
I’m not so self assure
Now I find I’ve changed my mind
I’ve opened up the door
Help me if you can I’m feeling down
And I do apreciate you being round
Help me get my feet back on the ground
Won’t you please, please ? Help me
And now my life has changed in oh so many ways
My independence seems to vanish in the hase
But every now and then I feel so insecure
I know that I just need you like
I’ve never done before
Help me, help me, oh…

The Beatles, Help, Help

sitting here, watching you fall
i can’t see, anything at all,
but you.

i get up, and walk to the door
thinking of you is such a bore
but sometimes, i can’t see
all of the joy that you bring me

sitting here, watching you fall
i can’t see, anything at all,
but you.

writing a note, to say good-bye
all i want to do is die
without you, my life is null
i just don’t think, i have the pull

sitting here, watching you fall
i can’t see, anything at all,
but me.

Poem

here are the simple
things . . .

1.
raw skin

2.
time filtering
through light,
resting
neck
on
neck

3.
dial ?

tone!

4.
bathroom words

5.
your hands

(say
it
again –
your

hands)

6.
unassuming pure devotion
as in
an arm in its six thousandth
flame

7.
the
river :

leaking
its
secrets

8.
the layer of
dust

9.
attraction

10.
counting

11.
and
never
to forget:

windows.

Today was red,
Awash in rose crimson that bled like petals
Across the floor.

Someone’s words rang true
In the drifting light that flared and died,
Flared and died,
Blazing through me and then drawing back
To leave a smouldering center
Of purified strain.
The sweat stood upon my skin,
And my face was drenched in freezing rain
As the petals wafted down,
So thick that I could barely see.
Crimson, every one.

Perhaps the sky was bleeding,
Perhaps that is where the world holds dear its heart,
And it was pierced and spurned.
So it bled in petals
That were swirled about in the currents of wind
That gusted through their descending clouds of crimson.
I ran through this place of mourning
And blundered in a world of sunlight and red,
For the sunset sifted through in bolts of pure rusted gold
That made my breath leap and lift
As I floundered in the deepening drifts
Of crimson.

Somehow, there was no one else
In this confused place of twilight and beauty,
The cities had disappeared,
And there was nothing but myself,
The soil,
The petals,
And the muffled sea.
But then your hand brushed my cheek
As you faded by through the storm of blood-color,
And I cried out and ran after your apparition.
In this land of crimson,
How could I have seen the edge of the cliff
As I stepped off
And fell silently into the muffled sea?

Greatest Fear

“What is your greatest fear?”
It’s a question that a lot of people ask, and a question that a lot of people answer without really thinking. I mean sure, people think about it for like a second but after that they just spout out what they think makes them the most afraid.

I asked myself this question like a week ago, and I spent the rest of the week going through the answers that popped into my head.

At first my answer was Bugs. Bugs scare the crap out of me, they make me freeze to the spot I’m standing in, and my mind run away screaming. Its quite entertaining to watch if you like someone making a complete fool of themselves. But as I was thinking about my fear of Bugs I realized that it doesn’t really define me. To me a fear, at least my greatest fear, defines who I am. That fear is a basis for the way I live my life. That fear is the thing I will continue to run away from for the rest of my life, no time will ever really heal that fear.

So thus, “Bugs” was booted out as my greatest fear.

Second, I decided on my fear of The Dark. Okay, I know I sound like I’m ten or something, but dangit I just don’t like the dark. I guess maybe its because I can’t see what’s going on in every corner of the room. Or maybe its because the monsters under my bed and the one hiding in my closet come out in the dark. Either way it’s a fear that has been with me for a long time, and will most likely be with me for the rest of my life. Then again, that’s not totally true. I mean when I get married, or actually get in a long term relationship, I won’t be sleeping alone anymore. And my theory here is that when I’m not sleeping alone, the monsters won’t be able to get me. (That probably goes a lot deeper than I want to take it).

And thus, “The Dark” was shoved back under the bed.

The thoughts of the dark led to thoughts of my fear of relationships. And I’ll be danged if that’s my greatest fear. That’s just silly. It doesn’t really effect my life, its not something I run away from. I think relationships are something that run away from me. And I’m so not getting into that.

Bye-Bye “Relationships”.

So after a bit of self investigation I finally found it. My greatest fear. And no its not fear itself.

My greatest fear is my own mortality. Strange, huh? My greatest fear isn’t dying, but dying without accomplishing something.
I realize that some day I will die, whether I want to or not. I’m mortal, it happens. But the thought of dying without accomplishing everything I want to, without making something of myself, without living life to the fullest, scares me. Its this fear that makes me strive to be the best. Its this fear that makes me a perfectionist. Its this fear that fuels many if not all of my writing and artistic endeavors. Its this fear that makes me strive to be remembered when I’m gone, to achieve a kind of immortality.

Now I invite you to find your greatest fear. Ask yourself what makes you who you are. Its quite an entertaining question if you really dig deep into it.
-And no fair using my greatest fear as yours, do let me know what you think… I´m curious….

Learning revisited

Yesterday I spent the day working on my computer. I learned a lot in the process. And as I stated earlier, I love learning. So yesterday was a good day for me. It was good to have enough free time to learn something outside of what is covered by my school courses for once. It’s been a while since I devoted a whole day to just learning and experimenting. It’s a wholely rewarding experience which I too often deprive myself of, and I encourage all others to devote time such as this to something they love doing, such as a hobby. Just forget what else you have to do (Within reason, of course) and devote yourself completely to that one thing. Everyone deserves the right to do this, and most people have the ability to do it even if it seems like there’s no time. Anyways… back to the ever-present homework. G’day

…on My Religious Views

So far in this blog I have carefully avoided touching on religious issues and such. I believe it should be blatantly apparent to a regular reader that I am a Christian, if only through my poetry and the song lyrics which I post. I am a Protestant Christian. I am not ashamed of this, and my belief is strong. The reason why I avoid religious issues is because I don’t know how to approach them, and I decided that until I know how to approach them, I will not discuss them. My problem is that I don’t want this blog to become preachy. I don’t want to impose my beliefs on others. As a Christian, though, I do believe that my views are correct and therefore feel that I should convince others. I also don’t want to ever sound like I’m insulting others and their beliefs, and I know that this could easily happen in written form because of many reasons, not least of which is my inexperience with writing.

I hope that by this declaration, you, my readers, will understand better where I and my views are coming from. It is my sincerest wish that if you liked this blog before this declaration, even if you think my beliefs are wrong, that it will not change your opinion. On top of that, I hope that by posting this I can gain your respect for standing firm in my beliefs. As for further posts on religious topics: they are possible because much of my life is devoted to them, but they will most likely continue to be as implicit as they currently are.

(And yes, i’m aware of my overuse of the word ‘religion’ and it’s different forms. I’m just too tired to bother to think of different words to use, or even to use a thesaurus.)

blah blah blah

So, I’m sitting here killing time, and so I decided to make a post. Problem is that I have nothing profound, or even remotely interesting to say at this juncture. Funny how one day you can have all kinds of thoughts on all kinds of things… but the next day you are just speechless. Although, I suppose I am technically not speechless because I am typing these words. But I’m ranting about having nothing to rant about. So is that really a rant? Or is it nothing? I’m not sure.

hmmm…

so…

you come here often? you like stuff?

nevermind.

is it just a Dream?

is it just a Dream?
a soaring treasure
longing to be pursued
yet ever out of reach?

or can it be Real?
a brilliant gem
a gift from Him above
to show His Love for me?

one day I shall know
what He does intend
but until that time comes
my soul will be content
and I shall Dream on
for dreams light the heart
when all else falls down
leaving nothing save Hope

I´m back!!

Spending 5 days away from São Paulo is just what I needed to rest body and soul.  I went together with some friends to another friend´s house in the North of Rio. There were almost 15 people in the house, most of them, people from São Paulo who had to move to Rio recently. Funny people( thank God!! ). The pictures are not developed yet, but I can say I did have fun! On our way back, we spent one day in Rio, to check the Carnival on the streets, and later, hanging out. The 6 hour-car trip back home was great as well. No traffic, no accidents, just hunger…. All back to its place now… Let me get back to work.

Cultural Note: Everyone says that people from Sao Paulo do not know how to dance the Samba. It is said that… we dance just by moving our fingers up and down. Well… not true