Is it me or when one can’t fall asleep at night it seems one becomes progressively more awake. In theory, I’m a vampire.
Let me count the ways: I’m awake and it is very, very late. I don’t have pointy teeth, I’m not tall, pale and handsome(
), I see my reflection in a mirror, and I love garlic.
Hrmph. I guess not.
I must be a hamster then.
~Sheila
Untill that Day
One day you will read my poems
And then you may learn the truth
One day you will read my heart out
And then you may know me better
Then you may know that to me
Love is Sacred.
That I loved you to the fullest
I loved you to the extent that your happiness
was all that I wanted.
And that was the reason for
me , the cruel girl, turning my back to you, the lover boy
Now you just pass me and look at me with rage
One day you will read my peotry with admiration for me
I am full of pain, but for you I will take it
Show your real love for me
By embracing the real happiness in life and living it
I don’t need no flowers, gifts or beautiful words
All I want is, to see you happy and content
Go my knight in shining armor
And live the life that you were meant to live
And in my poetry I will stay your woman forever .
My Heart, My Body
My Heart
Long ago in a far away land
My heart went to a young fellow
Though when I offered it to him
He said: “It’s good to be friends.”
To this day he owns it
Even after those words broke my heart
Like the stone that breaks the glass
My Body
Not long ago my Body responded
To another young body
When that body is around mine
I feel at the top of the world
My body goes toward his body unconsciously
to experience all the passion and the joy which exists the world
My heart and Body
Two man in my world
One owns my heart and the other my body
I look out of the door, looking for “the one”
Who can own both “my heart and my body?”
I’m feeling absurd…crazy…stupid…etc.
I get rid of a lot of my frustrations of the day online the way I can’t do in “real” life. Writing is a good outlet for me.
Something inside that is an uncontrolled wish to express itself.
I can tell you my mind isn’t working, but sometimes, the most honest writing flows out of a naked mind. A true story teller doesn’t need a deadline – dreams unfold from every word they speak.
I’m no story teller, however,I want to be one…some day. I have yet to live enough to impact anyone with what I have to say. I am just now discovering the many intensities of emotions that run my life.
If I were to tell you a story today, it’d be absurd, crazy, maybe even stupid. Instead, let’s just say we shared a moment of unthinking primal honesty.
Have you ever tried to capture a moment of happiness? I think they sometimes elude the camera, the pen. I love secret encounters with such moments in the middle of the night. Sound moments. When the musician plays for music’s sake and nobody else knows what the melodies are about. No performing just experiencing – the creating of a magical state.
We all have that one artist who always speaks to us. We release our tensions and frustration through the enjoyment of their art. Making their every lyric and every sound a part of who we are. In a sense, sometimes on stage, they can become our mirror. Such a connection can almost feel like a continual state of arousal.
Who does it for you? Or maybe it’s a style of music. Blues? Rock? Jazz? How about a specific instrument? What’s that one song you could’ve written…about you…only someone else already sings it?
I’m gonna be gone for about a week or so. I´ll travel for the Carnival break, will go on a trip to a resort with people from church. Give me something to read when I come back will ‘ya? I’ll love you so much more if you do…really. It’s a good topic right?
Later beautiful people. *kisses & hugs*
Do you know….what it feels like for a girl?
So this is it. I´m now here in my bedroom on the 13th floor of a building, writing from my new computer and listening to the music people play outside. Rainy day. Cool one as well. It does not show, but I sometimes still find myself a bit scared about being now 100% independent. Although the hectic pace of my new routine does not even let me remember about that. I already have exactly the right amount of discipline and sense of duty to be able to accomplish quite a bit of this huge load of new stuff. My thinking is clear and I will find that my sense of time and restriction is working in my favor to help me figure out the puzzles that present themselves. I´ve got this strong will that will aid me in the completion of just about every task I may undertake. That is something good.. really it is..
Classes at the new school started on Feb 2nd, and at the old one today. Both of them are challenging this semester for very different reasons. At IEBB( Bruno Bettelheim Educationa Institute) the groups are much larger, and I also have a huge age student age difference to deal with. The young kids scare me most. Yes, you read right, they scare me! Mainly because I am too concerned about doing a good job, and I´m not used to very young people. But the challenge is really interesting, That made me choose my next course at College which is Education. I´m interested now in learning a bit of Psychology and all the procedures in the area of education. Not that I didn’t´t need that before, but I have been teaching English for private schools for a long time. That demands much more knowledge in language than in behavior. Something tells me now I have found my way… something…
At CCAA(
A good thing about living by one´s self is the relation with money. Today I can say I have a banker’s precision. I usually recheck everything, from my expenses, to my investments, not to mention how much I have paid back on my loans, or loans I may have made to friends. I feel like keeping at it! This is the time to do it. And despite what others think, it’s important. Making ends meet can be tough. But it is as well as great to be able to make plans with what I earn. I have decided to come back to College, so I´m not going to
Now I just have to be careful about my health. I have been trying to get the rest that I need. Preventing sickness and maintaining full control of my mind and body by making sure I give myself the proper amount of sleep is an important goal. Tough to be reached once I find mind at its peak throughout the day till late at night. Did I mention gym? Yes…gym.. always!
There´s much to say… but now I have all the time to update. Things are fine. Church courses and friends have been greatly important. I have been meeting really nice people who have taught me a lot. And I have changed a lot as well. For the best, I hope. There´s much to be done. And I pray to God that He keeps holding my right hands towards his will. And become a better person. Always.
Happy Valentine´s Day, you all!
This is to my beloved…wherever he may be
Only an ocean away
I see a shadow every day and night.
I walk a hundred streets of neon lights,
Only when I’m crying.
Can you hear me crying.
So many times you always wanted more,
Chasing illusions that you’re longing for.
Wish I wasn’t crying.
Can you hear me crying.
There’s an ocean between us.
You know where to find me.
You reach out and touch me.
I feel you in my own heart.
More than a lifetime.
Still goes on forever.
But it helps to remember
You’re only an ocean away.
Was there a moment when I felt no pain.
I want to feel it in my life again.
Let it be over now.
Oh Oh over now.
‘Cause I remember all the days and nights
We used to walk the streets of neon lights
Oh I want you here with me.
Oh be here with me.
There’s an ocean between us.
You know where to find me.
You reach out and touch me.
I feel you in my own heart.
More than a lifetime
Still goes on forever.
But it helps to remember
You’re only an ocean away.
So many times you always wanted more,
Chasing illusions that you’re longing for.
Wish I wasn’t crying.
Can you hear me crying.
There’s an ocean between us.
You know where to find me.
Just reach out and touch me.
I feel you in my own heart.
More than a lifetime
It seems like forever.
But I’ll always remember
You’re only an ocean away.
Only an ocean away.
When I try not to think about pain I think about love as if there was a difference. I smile and I flirt and I don’t talk about my worries and when I try to write it is all painful and dark, so I write about love. If it is going to be agony, let it at least give me a moment of pleasure. A moment in which I can pretend I am nothing but a body – no heart and no soul. “No attachments” he said. Something other than what I am.
The tragedy is, love cannot exist if the heart is not involved. If there is no soul, then how could it last forever? If it is not worth holding on to, then why experience it all at? So to love you must feel and to feel pleasure you must also endure pain.
My name is Sheila. I don’t remember if I’ve introduced myself lately. Here are some random things I’ve written or read in the last few days.
All day in a daze of your making
of our making
love making
Then you come to me in the silence of the night
O dream how sweet
Too sweet
Too bitter-sweet
My thirsting longing eyes
Watch the slow door
That opening
Letting in
Let’s out no more
All day in a daze and all night in a dream
Come back to me that I may give
Pulse for pulse
Breath for breath
Speak low, lean low
Make love to me
This is a weekend gift. A friend of mine just sent me this link to a site that shows a nice song written and sung by a great Brazilian singer named Toquinho. Its name is “Aquarela” that means watercolor. The animation will show what the singer says in the lyrics. I´ll post it in Portuguese and in English below. Meanwhile, have fun and I do hope you like it. It is one of my favorite songs…
AQUARELA – Toquinho
WATERCOLOR
Numa folha qualquer
On whichever piece of paper
Eu desenho um sol amarelo
I draw a yellow sun
E com cinco ou seis retas
and with five or six strokes
É fácil fazer um castelo
It?s easy to make a castle
Com o lápis em torno da mão
With a pencil in the curve of my hand
Eu me dou uma luva
It is like a glove
E se faço chover
and if I make it rain
Com dois riscos tenho um guarda-chuva
With two quick scribbles, I have an umbrella
Se um pinguinho de tinta Cai num pedacinho azul do papel
If a drop of ink falls in a blue spot on the paper
Num instante imagino
I instantly imagine
Uma linda gaivota a voar no céu
a pretty gull flying in the sky
Vai voando
And he goes flying
Contornando a imensa curva norte-sul
Skirting an immense North-South curve
Vou com ela, Viajando, Havaí, Pequim ou Istambul
And I go with her, traveling to Hawaii, Peking, or Istambul
Pinto um barco a vela branco, navegando
I paint a small boat with a white spinniker, sailing
É tanto céu e mar num beijo azul
With so much sky and sea in a blue kiss
Entre as nuvens
Among clouds
Vem surgindo um lindo avião rosa e grená
There appears a pretty pink and green airplane
Tudo em volta colorindo
Everything in return coloring
Com suas luzes a piscar
With its lights blinking
Basta imaginar e ele está partindo
It’s enough to imagine and the plane is taking off
Sereno, indo
Serenely, going
E se a gente quiser
and if we wish
Ele vai pousar
The plane will land
Numa folha qualquer
On whichever piece of paper
Eu desenho um navio de partida
I draw a ship casting off
Com alguns bons amigos
With some good friends
Bebendo de bem com a vida
Drinking to the good things in life
De uma América a outra
From one America to another
Eu consigo passar num segundo
I can travel in a moment
Giro um simples compasso
I turn a simple compass
E num círculo eu faço o mundo
and in a circle I make the world
Um menino caminha
A boy who is walking,
E caminhando chega no muro
And walking, he arrives at a short
wall
E ali logo em frente
and there in front of him
A esperar pela gente o futuro está
waiting for us is the future
E o futuro
And the future
É uma astronave que tentamos pilotar
Is a spaceship that we try to fly
Não tem tempo nem piedade
it does not have time nor mercy
Nem tem hora de chegar
Nor does it have any scheduled arrival time
Sem pedir licença, muda a nossa vida
Without asking for permission, it changes our lives
E depois convida a rir ou chorar
And later invites us to laugh or to cry
Nessa estrada não nos cabe
In this path we are taking, it does not suit us
Conhecer ou ver o que virá
To know or to see what it will come
O fim dela
At the end of it all
Ninguém sabe bem ao certo
Nobody knows with certainty
Onde vai dar
Where it will lead us
Vamos todos numa linda passarela
We all follow a pretty pathway
De uma aquarela que um dia enfim,
Of a watercolor that one day at last
Descolorirá
It?s color will fade
Numa folha qualquer
On whichever piece of paper
Eu desenho um sol amarelo
I draw a yellow sun
E descololirá
and it?s color will fade
E com cinco ou seis retas
and with five or six strokes
É fácil fazer um castelo
It’s easy to make a castle
E descolorirá
and its color will fade
Com o lápis em torno da mão
With the pencil around the hand
Eu me dou uma luva
It is like a glove
E descololirá
And it will fade
An old Brazilian song inspired me to write this. I have actually been feeling weird the past couple of days. These days while painting and cleaning my apartment, I have tried to scare the phantom of anxiety with my thoughts on God´s words. I know it is due to the whole new things coming now. On Monday classes are starting at the new school. It´s a new place and new methodology and I´m quite sure that´s ok to feel the way I do now.
Some other good news is that by the end of February I´ll have my new computer installed. I´m having some friedns who live near me help me and gime the the assistance I need. In the meantime, I have been hanging out and meeting my friends from church often for bible studies. Two weeks ago we threw a Luau and It was aewsome! I didnt take any pictures but some of them did. If I manage to get any, I´ll surely post here. This weekend we´ll travel to the beach to a friend´s house. She´ll offer us a barbecue to celebrate her birthday… I´m sure that´ll make me relax before my blattle( ok, now I´m just being too much!)
Anyway, things are just fine. I have much more to share here..also in terms of culture but that´ll take some time. Thanks for the ones who visit me and for the e-mails. I´ll be trying to reply them as soon as I can.
Meanwhile… Take good care…
~Shy
There is a conflicting push and pull aspect to these days, that may be leaving me feeling unsure about how to proceed. On the one hand I may be feeling like I want to plan things out and get your emotions stabilized so that I can function at full capacity. On the other hand, there may be something pulling me up into the clouds. This is indeed my heart talking. I listen to it and find a compromise between these two energies.
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I ponder and find little comfort in my emotions, specially due to the amount of time I have been taking to study God´s words and share information and experience with some dearly friends. Now I also to take time to simply stick to business. Concentrate on getting things done in my regular brand new routine. I had to create a plan and stick to it. This is not a day to deviate from the norm, nor is it a time in which I will find sympathy from others, so I stick close to home and take care of my personal business( read= I´m painting my apartment…). Time is precious, so I have been trying not to waste it. In a nutshell, I have been doing very well but today I might be feeling more focused than ever. The path ahead of me seems clear and well defined, and I´m looking forward to the future with motivation and anticipation. I´m considering taking a long trip abroad, and going back to school for an advanced degree. This is a good day to start doing some research and finalizing plans. Let me Go to it
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