November 11, 2003
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One More Attempt
A lot of people have been complaining about not being able to get to my page and commenting. I honestly have no idea of what was going on, so I decided to remove a bunch of things from the page. Some say it was my background, but again, I´m not sure about that. If you can enlighten me about something, I´d be more than glad. I´m trying out a new background, and if it freezes your computer, please do let me know.
Thanks, you all
November 10, 2003
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morning alarm radio sounds
somewhere between weather
and song requests
i hear zeppelin again
eyes closed in my head
dreams chase each other
fighting for last memories
in waking life
no return to the dreaming
not for now
sunshine creeping in the window
light scattered on the floor
sleepy feet shuffle across
Apostrophes
Maybe I’m only half here after all. The accumulation of exhaustion presses on my scalp, my neck, my throat, across the flat of my chest just below my clavicle. My ears ring with things I have not done, with words I did not know how else to carry into today. I have not slept in years, have been living lives that were never mine in moments that were never possible. This formula does not add up. In this state of confusion, of frustration, of never-enough-sleep, I discover that my strength reaches deeper than my perception, that there is always a little more, that I am exactly where I should be even if I don’t know where this road leads. And I think this could be what happiness feels like.
Should i go on a hiatus? Maybe…I have been forced to do so. Things have been changing fast and sometimes I wonder whether my life has become a Mexican soap opera. Or any soap opera actually. My room mate is getting married in 2 months. I was already getting used to the idea of being without her… she´s also taking the computer away…damn…
Ok, jokes apart, the situation now is pretty serious. Life for me next year will be quite different. I would be much more excited if I weren’t that concerned in making ends meet. Being independant is damn great, but I must say sometimes it is a pain in the neck, head and pocket. Well, guess all choices have a price… But the thing is, I´ll be living in a place I have not even chosen yet. A different neighborhood. It´s a bit far from downtown, but much closer to work, church and new friends. Also closer to the College i inted to end studies, great pubs and cafés, and….guess those are enough reasons for me to know there´s nothing to worry
. Also, the faith in my God and the lessons He has kindly taught me just make me understand how much human I have been.
I just lack inspiration these days. This, added to the lack of time has taken me away from my blog and my subscribers also. I may be closer to some of them in person now that I have decided to go to Vancouver in July next year. It is just about time i traveled abroad, i guess. It is about time things changed in my life. Just like it´s happening now. Just like that…
November 3, 2003
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It isn’t dreams I hear or dreams I see. it isn’t anything and yet i somehow get the feeling that its everything. even this silence. who’s to say it isn’t talking? or that it has something to say? its right for the moment or moments or time unfolding forever. the silence of ambient sound… gentle wur of the fan, distant air conditioner, the frig buzzing on and off and the thumps of people upstairs. even just the air outside. how do I explain that it all matters in just the same amount that it doesnt matter? how do i explain that to anyone else and how do i explain that to myself? but i asked the question, eventually it might be answered… no rush. lots of time. lots of place. lots of air. lots of people. so much to learn, to notice, to recognize exists.
anticipation wakes me
alarm silent
no light
no sound
eyes see what is
what will be
sleepy feet stumble
across concrete carpet
light trickles into quilts
toes seam rip the blocks
candle burns under carnations
vision of an idea
morning growing young
crisp running water
a bowl of hands
filling
to refresh (night) face
eyes blink back drips
mirror sees me
typewriter waits
garbage chair empty
dim blue light
sweet morning syrup
friendly purple mug
imagine
words to tell
to type
to write
to read
to send
smiles
memories
silly stories
flavor savers
wishes and dreams
stamped for delivery
a conversation
disconnected
told gradually
all at once
October 30, 2003
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Let´s get unconscious, honey…
Even my fingers feel useless. like a waste of space that should be used elsewhere. they cant write anything worth reading and they cant create anything worth understanding.
do I want to figure things out or do I need to be constantly lost, constantly confused, constantly pretending against something unknown. I wonder if ill ever know me. I wonder why I ignore her. I wonder why I pretend or why I pretend I’m pretending. why cant anything just be real.
I have my happy days and then I get like this. I’m caged inside this box. I could break it, I could open it if I could just get my eyes to open so I could see the door. I feel nervous. I feel little. I feel stupid. I question everything I’ve ever done, everything I am. I wonder why I got here. I have so many questions and right now I cant seem to come up with one goddamn answer.
I want to change everything and try anything. I want to soak all this up and remember it forever for what it is and then I want to forget it all, push it out with other things that can fill the space just the same.
Words seem too wasteful, everyone believes in me and it makes me believe less. why cant I just find something to ground myself on and build from there. everytime I think I’ve got a new foundation I let something crumble it. its like theyve all got a time that runs out.
i fell asleep
and woke up scared that i was someplace else
scared that there was someone else
i am hiding here
among no one and everyone
making my time
ignoring their time
its putting me to sleep…
sleep… sleep… sleep…
so easy
so fitful
so dreamy
so short
if it didnt feel so wrong
i could sleep forever
but i am afraid to not wake up
and just as much
afraid to see you standing there
October 27, 2003
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id forgotten what natural water sounds like. what nature feels like. smells like the fragrance of green and moss and old and moist. the parade of water marching… through rocks and trees and green fern leaves. the sweat of still air surrounded by little worlds evolution. even the footsteps on the boardwalk seem stuck; unmoving. stationary in this place. this tiny system of life happening on its own. functioning without everyone else. functioning within itself. it listens to no one, it listens to everyone. it hears nothing, it hears everything. silence of water falling. the quietness of rocks being eaten away. solid loosing to liquid. i can smell the soap in my skin. i dont fit in here. i dont belong. i just wish that i could. to exist in this place, in this space. to be from within and not so obviously out. he belongs to dreamland. i belong to where many dream of belonging to. i and just want to belong to him.and to his dreams.then my dreamland would be real anywhere hed be.
i dont have the vocabulary to do this place justice. just scratching at the surface with dull nails.
it smells clear here. like scent does not exist. nothing could smell this open, this real, this alive. it is the scent of life, uninterrupted?
i got lost in it until i heard clapping and so the fence that keeps us out. this world chooses itself.
*
*
*
white whisper
smoke dances
then stands still
waiting
they have partners
and moments
and silent
music
an exchange.
hanging response.
movement.
all balancing
among air
and
gravity
October 26, 2003
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it was a hot day (something on some days ago…)
I was mesmerized by his beautiful eyes. The conversation was smart and sensual. His smile made my heart race something crazy. He smelled so good. I couldn’t hide it. As cheesy as it may sound, he had me the moment he said hello.
At the end of the night he held my face in his hands and slowly leaned over to kiss me. It was a gentle, deep, intoxicating kiss. Yes, it was our first date and you may think of me as easy, but you have to understand this was no ordinary man. Everything about him was foreplay.
What happened next I really cannot say. Mainly because I’m making it up as I go and it’s almost midnight. I really should go to bed. It was just a hot day. Just like yesterday and probably just like tomorrow.
Cold showers sometimes happen because it was 90F degrees outside on an October afternoon.
words left unspoken on lips
silenced by your tongue
words left unspoken in your eyes
glimmering in the gaze
words left unspoken in fingertips
fumbling in the print
words left unspoken
dying
dead
October 23, 2003
-
if id ever been suffocated
id imagine it would feel something like this
sometimes its hard to breathe
my soul is the one gasping for air
clinging to anything open
fighting for anything free
searching for anything without walls
the structures we’ve built
the rooms i find myself in
they poison my mind
the darkness of their interiors finds its way into me
i get lost inside these walls
stuck in their persuasive spaces
they steal my confidence
my hesitant happiness
my new found energy
i have to get back outside
October 19, 2003
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Something on some things…
It is certainly clear that I have faith in my actions now! I feel no fear or doubt as I progress toward my goals at a fast clip, cruising along on calm seas under clear skies. This new atmosphere is likely the product of my renewed commitment. I´ll try hard to reward myself for my accomplishments, by all means, but I should wait a few days before launching a full-fledged celebration. Just need to feel balanced and digest everything that´s novelty, say goodbye to some outdated stuff.
Just feeling a bit tired lately. Stomach´s behaved bad, and time don´t seem to wait for me as my movements seem to gradually slow down. Or is it just the mind? I usually remember the words of a good old friend telling me “It´s all in the mind”. And it´s in the heart too…
Plans for the next semester have started. Room mate is officially getting married in January, and she is moving to Rio. I just feel like not staying in the apartment we live in anymore. Not that I dont like it, but I do want to go to a new place, and a new area of the city as well. The place where I live in is close t downtown, also close to everything. However, I have realized that I spend so much time doing things on the North part of that city, that I have even been looking for apartments there. A friend of mine ( a guy
how weird would it be living with a male room mate????) has shown his interest in being my new room mate. Still, I have been seriously thinking on really living on my own now. That´s just another idea, though. New students and new work oportunities have been knocking on my door. As most of them are pretty new experiences to me, I just feel like taking most of them and see what happens. As long as I don´t get overworked, that is…
Oh, well… As usual, there´s lots going on, and I have just been feeling great about all those. I was finally baptized today at a wonderful ceremony at church. It was such a great evening, and I should write about it later. The good thing is…. I do feel I have just taken the most important step of my life… the next ones… may be just consequences of what happened today. Now let me come back to my art stuff.
Have a great week, you all!
October 17, 2003
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I am about to take the most important step in my life. I have chosen to make my Public Confession Of Faith at the Presbyterian Church. That will basically mean that I do accept Christ as my savior, and the Bible as my guide. That will also turn me into an official member of the church, and that will imply in a bit more responsibility than I´m actually already used to. What I mean when I say that´s the most important step in my life is that, it will surely determine the kind of person I will be turned into, the kind of people I´ll choose to be part of my life, my decisions, concepts, beliefs, and everything.
I have got much to write and say about it, still, I must confess some thoughts are too deep and long to be written. Even explained. In short, I´m glad for the vision I now have of God, of the world around me and even of myself. I know the path I´m choosing will be demanding, but once I was touched and my eyes open to that, I feel I just can´t step back.
There will always be much to be done, specially due to our imperfection. Things have been changing fast, and hopefully for the best. My mind is spinning and I can barely put thougths in order. But I´m fine. And I shall be better by the time. Now. Not alone as I have always thought I were.
Bless you all.
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